The time has come…

It’s been a long bleddy time coming as well…. but at fecking last it’s here….

Time to leave some substantial baggage behind and melt more into my current very happy life…. my bear persona is still tucked away nicely into the depths of my bear cave… but I’m only keeping the nice bits….the hurty bits are now consigned to the life’s shit heap… I have no need to refer to them anymore, no need to remind myself not to make those mistakes again. So I have ‘adopted’ the name I’m known by the ‘locals’ here in my new life …. and one thing I enjoy doing… blogging …. to share some of my random ponderings on life. Hence my new page name. All about her and me…. and my thoughts gathered in Paradise.

Ever since I embarked on the road of looking at what I didn’t want, things have become a bleddy sight easier. It’s not rocket science either … it’s just been a matter of taking the time to know myself… It’s not about what others think they know about me… and sure as hell not about worrying what others think about me. It’s not exactly been hard to let things go that haven’t added to my life …. as most of them never really served a purpose. The hardest thing has been taking the time to identify them.

Time. That thing you can’t touch, smell, taste or hear. But is an incredibly important part of our lives…. and not always used wisely. But I have learnt that my time to have as happy a life as I can, is getting shorter… that pretty fucking scary! And I’m buggered if I’m going to waste it doing stuff that means something to others, but very little to me in the grand scheme of things.

What I mean is like buying the latest fashion/gadget/car (or any consumer item). Rarely does that happy feeling last longer than it takes for the thing to go out of fashion, the gadget to be upgraded, the car to get its first problem…. By the same token, its a great feeling to do something for someone else … but it’s not long before another person needs something from you … and in the meantime you’ve done bugger all for yourself.

So I’ve learnt to say no…. and become my own best friend. Best decision ever! I’m the only one who can really make a difference to myself. Others can enhance it for sure… but I have to be in control of my life … and for decades others pulled my strings…. and although I cut those strings a long time ago, the bruises and lesions they caused were pretty bleddy painful… but not anymore. Hoobleddyrah!!

I am not denying my past… it has defined me…. and there are a lot of positives, some negatives and a few what the fuck just happened? moments that can never be undone. But I can take the best with me and leave the rest to compost away in the shit heap.

I don’t have everything I want in life …. but I do have everything I need…. I have learnt that [in my case] need has to come before want. Not got a spare penny to scratch my saggy old arse with anyway. But my pooch and I don’t go without. I make us the priority….. this is where it counts more than all money in a bank. (There’s another blog brewing on that… look out Barbara Beagle is about)… but this one is about my big step away from the past … and a few poochy steps into a much happier future.

Anyone can do it …. if they take that time to know themselves.

Much loves to you all… as much loves as I award myself….

Smiling as I move on in my Paradise, with happy memories, good friends and family and the knowledge that I can be as happy as my pooch under my duvet

Plot has buggered off. Hoofuckingrah!!!

I used to consider that losing the plot was a negative…. now I don’t bleddy care … not a jot!

Recently, I have wondered why we have all become so cynical and self absorbed …. (and I include myself in that). But I only have to look further afield than my own personal environment to see why. The bleddy world doesn’t really appeal to me …. buffoons, bigots and the Hooray Henry chinless wonders are running the world to ruination…. pursuing greed for power. Cynical me eh??

I take the view that my gradual ‘withdrawal’ from the real (?) world is best for me…. choosing to call it self care …. and in all honesty I don’t give a flying fuck if people think I’m nuts….. Self absorbed me eh??

…. though there is a little irony here… as recently some people have remarked that I have more friends than them… wtf has that to do with the price of fish? I know a few people, I’m acquainted with a few more. I have a very small circle of close friends, and an even smaller circle who I trust implicitly. I’ve also been told I socialise a lot more than them. How the fuck do they work that out, when I go out (as in socialising) maybe once or twice a month, and don’t belong to any groups. And in all fairness I’m not bothered. Are we also becoming obsessed with comparing our lives??

My life wouldn’t suit the majority of people I know… it takes a ‘speshul’ kind of attitude to not live how others think we should.

It took over a year to adjust … especially listening to people who said I’d be isolated… when in actual fact I’m far from it. It’s just appears isolated to them. So it’s not my circus and not my monkeys….

Thanks to my retirement I don’t have any particular time demanded routine… I can do as I please… the dog and I do what we want to do… as and when. I mix with folk when invited, or if I feel the need. There is no plot any more… and I’m bleddy happy about it.

The more I scoot back into my cave, the happier I get ….

The last week or so have been full of reasons why I know that, at the moment, I have no fecking plot…. I’m happy and comfortable…. so no reason to change a bleddy thing for the sake of it…. as others perceptions will always be different anyway.

In the meantime, the big wide world will keep turning, throwing up more shite for people to get hot under the collar about. Higher rates of anxiety/stress/depression/suicide are no coincidences…. but I’m not going there ever again….

I also don’t actually feel the need to keep charting my progress…. so even writing is getting less of a priority… I can hear the fucking cheers already!!

Laters peeps…. probably a lot later … but you know where I am anyway ūüėé

Short(ish) but very sweet

I’ve been giving an enormous amount of thoughts about my recent epiphanies…. and I have restrained myself from blogging ad infinitum about them…. now that’s a bleddy first innit?? I’ve sat (and laid) back thinking for a very long time….

My healing process from some of my choices and decisions over the last couple of decades, and particularly from the last 7 years, has been long and painful… but by keeping a diary aka blogging…. I have been able to watch my progress.

My personal philosophies have been criticised on many occasions…. especially by others whose lives have also been challenging…. and at times I’ve really struggled … but something always happened to help me move on.

Recently…. several things crossed my life path…. and has given me the reasons to appreciate where I actually am in life …

And here’s a sort of list, triggered by various things that happened/seen/read/heard recently, and I will write about in full, in my second book… (The first one is almost finished !! TTF for that!!)

1) There are definitely NO such things as coincidences.

2) I’ve been given the 7 year old, and I see the [wo]man.

3) You are never to old to follow your dream.

4) Karma is real. It does work… you just have to be patient.

5) Self care is more important than caring for others. (If you can’t treat yourself right … how can you expect to know how to treat others?)

6) Everyone has different needs and perceptions …

7) The modern world is no different in its component parts than history shows us… it’s just faster … which makes it seem that much more harsh.

8) Simples works….

9) Surround yourself with things that inspire you.

10) Make sure you only have friends that accept you for WHO you are … warts and all… without unnecessary criticism.

These are MY philosophies… for ME… But they are not yours… if you are looking for answers, then go and find your own!! But don’t expect the path to find them to be easy …. it’s not … it’s fucking hard work. But I’ve never been afraid of that.

TIP: Find out what you DON’T want first….

‘Some’ people think I have very little at face value … that I’ve been dealt a crap hand … and maybe that’s true in their eyes …. but at heart value, I have riches…. because I am a very happy Old Bear ūüźĽ. Beat that!!!

The proof is in the ‚Äėpudding‚Äô… or the medicine cabinet….

It’s been a funny old Sunday. The morning was shite…. literally dragged the dog around the block in typical Cornish mizzle … that turned into a bleddy downpour halfway around a ‘short’ walk … got home like two drowned rats … and by the time we had a rub down to dry out the fecking sun started to come out ….

By then it was time for the ritual Sunday bacon butty …. yummy yummy …. well it tasted great… but it was a b’stard painful experience, as yesterday the filling in my wisdom tooth departed my substantial gob… along with more sodding tooth. In all fairness the dentist reckoned it would happen after the last repair … so it was sort of expected at some point. My bleddy teeth are crumbling in my old age … arseandbollocks… but hey ho we didn’t have the dental care in our childhood that they have now. But this bit of crumbling left me with a selection of razor points that shredded the inside of my cheek when chewing ūü§¨… so eating is a bleddy challenge, until I get to the dentist. Head on one side to take the pressure off the cheek, eating slowly like a ruminant cow (no comments required) …. I even pulled my cheek away with my little finger to ease the chewing process… this is not bleddy natural … but better than drawing more blood … and NO … I ain’t fucking liquidising my food … I got a few more years before I’m reverting to baby food. Nonetheless I survived and ‘enjoyed’ my bacon fix.

The weather started to improve even more, but by then I’m pissed right off! Dog had retreated to the bed again…, so I did some laundry …. yep it’s that exciting!!

To improve my mood I decided to get back to my book …. The Camomile Lawn by Mary Wesley. That was a good move… books… reading…. always lifts the spirits …

So then the sun came out proper hot…. so dragged the dog out for walkies…. it wasn’t long before she brightened up too…. and we spent a glorious hour or so wandering, sitting and watching and generally chilling. Ansum. My Paradise is second to none to lift the spirits … (expect when it’s pissing with rain) ….

…. so back home, roast pork and veg under way (to eat with some challenges… but I ain’t going to starve) … and I cast my mind over the last week, whilst enjoying a nice chilled glass of crisp white wine… and remembered that this time last week I had a friend staying…. and she had asked if I had some antacid tablets (my cooking ain’t that bad honest!) … but the ones I had were literally years out of date!

Now we all have a medicine cabinet or something…. mine is a basket on top of the bathroom cupboard… full of stuff

So thought I ought to have a gander at what’s in there … as not had reason to delve into it for some time…. what a chuffing shock that was!!

Most was well out of date … not by months .. but fucking years!! So why??

Because despite everything… the last two years have been healing in more ways than one! I have no need for all these pills and potions… because I am better than I’ve ever been …. apart from a lethal tooth…

How fucking brilliant is that??? Some days the message of how far I have come is bleddy deafening…. so this lot goes out and this is what is left

Along with a packet of Ibuprofen and Paracetamol on top of the fridge …,

Peace of mind… a simples lifestyle…. Paradise… all makes for a redundant medicine cabinet.

Bugger me backwards Betty …. that’s fucking awesome!! Pass the wine and I’ll chew my dinner very slowly …. but happy.

Geddon ūü§ďūü§ď

Plans, perceptions and paradoxes

Didn’t intend to write anything today, as I had ‘planned’ to have a long walk, followed by coffee, then get out the ladder [I borrowed] and give my rampant privet hedge a bit of a trim…. well that’s all gone off into the fecking fog/sea mist that’s descended on my Paradise…. can’t see my sodding arm behind my back, and everything is bleddy soaking…… but that’s one of the hazards of living where I do…. and I’ll be honest it’s a very,¬†very small price to pay….

But I did think that at least I’ll get my walk, gather me thoughts…. and¬†¬†listen to the sea if nothing else…. but¬†nope…. the pooch took some coaxing just to get out the bleddy door! It was all I could do to drag her out onto Sunny (Ha!) Corner Lane…. once there, then she towed me around the shortest route possible…. and back indoors before I could finish me first sucky sweet! Now some would say that I should have made her walk where¬†I¬†wanted to go…. but they don’t have a stubborn beagley…. that can be like having two bags of cement on the end of a piece of string, especially when they are determined to have their way…. and I refuse to have arms like a bleddy Orangutan to¬†prove¬†my ownership. As I have said before…. you have to be a¬†speshul kind of stooopid¬†to own one of these adorable mutts……

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And as for cutting the hedge…. I couldn’t even see the top of the bleddy thing, which was dripping big drops over me morning coiffure…… and thought that having an electric hedge trimmer operating in those sort of conditions, wasn’t the recommended way to do it anyway…… so Plan A was aborted….

I didn’t have a Plan B…. now I’m¬†winging¬†the rest of the day…. so laundry, empty the dishwasher, shove the vacuum around to get up all the dogs fur that sticks to every fecking thing except her …. bleddy exciting eh? But at least the mundane chore meant I could still continue¬†gathering my thoughts…. and before I started to chart those thoughts…. I thought I’d have a nice cup of caffeine with one of my fave treats… dunking ginger nuts¬†yummy….. well that didn’t go particularly well either…. one of the bleddy¬†delights broke and fell back into my coffee…. splashed the contents over my nice clean¬†cream coloured top…. Considering I usually wear black, it was possibly [yet] another lesson to learn…. stick with what you know best…. Though in all fairness… I wear my fecking food a lot nowadays…. regardless of the colour¬†…. hmmm. Of course the sodding biscuit disintegrated in my mug… so ended up drinking ginger coffee soup…. I’m of the¬†waste not want not¬†brigade….. but hey ho…. they’d mix up anyway….

So here I am writing down my thoughts…..that I hadn’t originally planned….

I had almost a week away from social media… I did post up my intention to do so, some folk commented…..a few other people noticed I’d ‘gone’ and enquired if I was ok…. but most wouldn’t have given a shit, as some¬†gather¬†friends as some sort of measure of how popular they are, (though in truth I don’t have many of those anymore) or just use it very occasionally to see what folk are up to, or get in touch with others. Nothing more than I expected…..

I took a break for a couple of reasons….. one because I was getting pissed off with the soapboxes that some friends were on…. and I had no intention of¬†blocking, snoozing or unfriending¬†them, because most of the time, the things they posted were social…. interesting, or informative in many ways. The other reason was to actually give myself an opportunity to look at the¬†psychological¬†side of social media. Now this was quite a diversion for me, as I like the¬†philosophical¬†aspect …. the unproven, fanciful side of life…. rather than the factual side….

So what I found was that I firmly believe that social media can be an¬†addiction¬†for many people…. they live their lives through social media…. rather than using it as a¬†tool or means¬†to be socially aware and informed. Because I found the first few days of no virtual¬†contact¬†somewhat concerning….. I got itchy bleddy fingers…. my head filled with all sorts of sodding scenarios about what what happening¬†online…..by day 4, I found myself immersed in the real world, with visitors and other everyday activities, and only had a few passing thoughts on social media…. I talked to people about this¬†modern day¬†development. It’s not going to go away, that’s for sure, and I think it’ll be some time before it¬†levels out…..¬†that wont happen until the ‘younger’ (under 40’s in my book) generation realise that the real world is where we actually have to bleddy live. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc. will¬†not¬†pay the bills for the majority of us…. the internet cannot provide a living for most of the demands on a workforce…. and not everything we read is true…..¬†We still need physical assistance to live…. the balance is a bit unequal in my eyes… and this is only my opinion…… and I’m fucking allowed one!

Despite being told my opinions are stupid…. as I don’t live in today’s world…. that the¬†good old days¬†weren’t good….¬†¬†well, I’ve lived decades longer than the person who voiced that opinion….. and been through more fucking shite that most people…. There has never, ever been an ideal world throughout history…. but I actually think for all the crap I hear and see around me….. the values I was brought up with, even the lack of choice, and the necessity to stand on my own two feet was a blessing, and not something to be ashamed of. I had very little….and the circle has now been turned…. I have very little again…. for over 40 years I worked my arse off to get¬†stuff….. and wasn’t happy…..¬†I feel I’ve earned my opinion through bleddy experiencing it…. not by assumptions….¬†¬†I still go by my own thought, that I should never comment [aggressively] on something that I haven’t done or experienced myself….. Sometimes I forget…. as I ain’t fucking perfect…. but I will acknowledge it, and apologise where necessary etc……

During the sojourn into the real world, I had a few very intense and deep conversations….. and what struck me most was that many people spend a lot of time aggressively defending their right to an opinion. Good friends will often agree to differ and move on…. others will get the right fucking hump and piss off…. much the same as social media….. but¬†[for me] it hits home harder in the real world.

There are paradoxes everywhere…you need people around you….but at times you just want to be on your own. You want to have meaningful conversations….but if someone disagrees with you then (apparently) they are no longer meaningful!! We see others in a different way than they see themselves…. that’s a bleddy hard one. We are all totally unique, we may have some things in common, but there can be vast differences in other areas. I have been criticised for¬†living in my past…..but I only use it as a record of my life’s journey…. a reference …. I don’t believe you can ignore it, as it’s what has shaped us. For me it’s a series of lessons I’ve learnt good and bad…. and hope I don’t make the bad mistakes again…. yea right…. some lessons I don’t ever seem to fecking learn…. but that is¬†me….. warts and all!

I have now returned to social media, with a bit more understanding of how to use it¬†in the best way for me…. it means a shitload of different things to everyone else…. but I’m living¬†my¬†life for¬†me….. because I’m the one who counts in my book.

Another thing I will choose to do¬†for¬†myself is¬†not¬†to justify who or what I am…. I have no need….. and what the fuck difference will it make to anyone else?? I am me, I look after myself …. for myself. If asked a question, I will reply….. and hope people will have the courtesy to listen to the answer…. without interrupting, to either attack what I am saying, or going into [an aggressive] defence mode, because they think the answer is a criticism on their opinions…. (as I have found recently)… It’s always good to listen to others, and listen to the¬†whole story¬†as they see it…..¬†then¬†respond. To me, this is the only way to have a reasoned conversation/debate…. a rarity nowadays….. it now appears it’s all about the balance between being defensive or aggressive….. I ain’t joining in that anymore… I ain’t got the need…. I’m keeping it¬†simples…. it works for me.

What every other bugger does is up to them….

 

 

 

 

Day 4…. and breathe

It was an easier day …. my stooopid head gave me some more breaks from wondering what everyone in the virtual world was up to … and when I did have a little ponder, I realised it was less of an issue that I didn’t know. I was considerably calmer. Hoofuckingrah!! Though I put this down to being over the halfway mark of my self imposed ‘absence’ …. and I’m now beginning to think how I will manage my time on social media in the future ūü§Ē …. now that is going to be about self discipline …. something I don’t have a lot of. *Buggerationsandbollocks*…. hey ho … still chuffing learning….

In my real world however, I have kept myself busy…. but not necessarily doing the one thing I intended to focus on, with the time I was saving…. duh ūüôĄ…. but not beating myself up about it…. because I have been catching up on household stuff, and some things I have let slide a bit. But I’m back on track with those now. And it’s made a difference to the few brain gremlins I have lurking. I can look around me and be pleased with my effort… there’s always stuff to do, but what’s left is doable… and I’ve begun to make lists again. It’s downright satisfying to cross things off when they’re done… even if I do add something else on. But that’s life innit? We don’t stop doing until we leave this mortal coil… and none of us will ever complete those lists of things to do anyway! So really there’s bugger all reason to beat ourselves up is there?? But we often do …. hmmm.

So now all the humdrum shite has been done, I’m filling my time with planning (I use the term loosely) a fun weekend. I have one of my oldest friends coming to stay for a couple of nights…. and then entertaining a few more tomorrow. A gathering of people that I love to spend time with. Good conversation will flow…. along with the wine and (hopefully) good food. So it’s been shopping lists, followed by procurement. Menu ( I use that word loosely as well!) … and generally wondering how the fuck I’ll get a dozen people into my little cave if the weather decides to be shit. Another hmmmm. I can just about find everyone a seat…, but where the hell I would put the food, without it becoming a smorgasbord for a thieving beagley … gawd only knows.

So I’m watching the weather forecast with the same intent as watching a souffl√© rise! (I decided against making one of those … as I always fail!) Oooer … hope that’s not an omen.

No matter what … the day will be great … probably knackering… but the effort made will be bleddy worth it.

One interesting thing about yesterday was my morning walkies… as usual I met the locals…. and had varied chats. One was extremely pleasant… I was complimented on my appearance, as well as my taste in music and my personal outlook. The gent doesn’t know anything about my rollercoaster past … but in passing conversations, we have hit it off rather well … and I do believe we’ve been flirting! Does wonders for the ego!! Yesterday he made a point about dropping in the age thing…. I thought he was younger, and he is by 7 years .., so being flattered by a youngster, is all the more pleasing….

They say flattery will get you everywhere… though I reckon that I’m at that age where no one would want to bleddy go there!! Who knows?? ūüėĀ

But how nice it is to receive a compliment now and again! Time to start handing some out again …. it’s great to make people laugh… I do that regularly … it’s great to help people think about things, I hope I do that too… but it’s even greater to make people feel good about themselves. In fact it’s bleddy priceless. Another lesson relearnt …

All without the aid of social media … now there’s a thing…, the real world can be a very nice place too ūüėć.. and my real world is awesome …. even with Supersonic Jason having a quick fag in Paradise ūüėé

Day 3…. distractions

The day was a bit easier …. though my mind strayed to the “wonder what people are doing” area a few times. I did ‘accidentally’ [or subconsciously?] touch the Facebook icon on my phone in the morning … only there confronted by the faceless Rin Tin Tin type icon… which awakened me to the fact I’m not on it….

But I definitely didn’t miss it quite so much, I stopped grinding my bleddy teeth in determination, and my index finger and thumb weren’t so itchy …. but I put it down to the fact of having friends to visit for a few hours, that I hadn’t seen for a very long time.

One of my oldest friends came to see me, with his daughter and son in law. We hadn’t seen each other for a couple of years…. mainly down to me, and the struggle I had dealing with my ‘failure’… being homeless, bankrupt and virtually broken in pieces. (Though I wasn’t quite aware of how fecking broken I was until much later). The ‘benefit’ of keep a diary/blog.

Anyway, by the time I began to feel better, I then started to feel sodding guilty that I had neglected some friends.

It was only a year or so earlier to my ‘withdrawal’, that his wife, one of my best friends, had suddenly died. We were all devastated. It was a horrible time, I was tasked with writing and reading her eulogy. Now that was bleddy hard… but he and his two girls had begged me to do it.., you can’t refuse a request like that. They all struggled to deal with it, I was there for them as much as I could be for many months. Then I watched them starting to get on with a new daily life, so stepped back… and then a few months later, I made the epic mistake of getting the pub…. and the rest is fucking history as they say …. a painful history…

I met the family 46 years ago, when we became neighbours… and we have been through everything together… including my two marriages and divorces.. I’ve always been ‘Auntie’ to their children, seen them marry, divorce, remarry, have their children, and watched them all grow up, go through so much crap and come out the other side. Their family was my family and vice versa…. but when my friend died, and my own ‘preoccupation’, the hub of the wheel broke.. we drifted.

And Facebook wasn’t much use, as my friend didn’t hold much store by it, one daughter who used it, had gone blind through traumatic illness very suddenly, and her husband used it sporadically, as he was her full time carer…. and so on.

Because I withdrew from physical contact with people, I made little effort to get in touch … and because I hadn’t heard much from them, I eventually assumed they were pissed off with me …

How wrong assumptions can be! It was nothing of the sort.., it was because they were getting on with doing their stuff. They thought I had been getting my birthday/Christmas cards…. nope…. as we discovered yesterday, when trying to find me… they had the wrong address!! Doh.

The upside is, it was a bleddy wonderful four hours, of catching up and happy memories. My friend is over 80, and an inspiration..,, he now has Parkinson’s… and to quote him “I won’t bleddy die from it”. He is still active, going on numerous breaks with his sister, going to the theatre regularly, still plays pool badly, still does his beloved carpentry… though given up badminton because his knees hurt.., but taken up carpet bowls instead.

His blind daughter is equally an inspiration… she recently won a gold medal and several cups for shooting! (Laser I might add!) … she still relies on the help of others for her general needs…. but she ain’t remotely feeling sorry for herself.

The moral here, is that there’s always someone worse off than yourself… and reassuring you that there is another way to cope in a better way than think you can.

They loved where I live and my paradise. The friendship re-cemented. Onwards and upwards for us all.

So thanks to my morning and afternoon walkies (when the Scillies came a bit nearer and waved at me), and to the friendships that will never be broken, the day was wonderful. All without the aid of social media.

What a fdcking result!! Happy old bear ūüźĽ