THE EPILOGUE…..

Said in the voice of the late, great Frankie Howard….as in his role as Lurcio in Up Pompeii…. that’ll have a few folk reaching for Google….but I am of an age that spans almost 7 decades, so I can remember random shit from donkey’s years ago… even if I can’t remember why I went into another room 5 minutes ago. That’s the story of an ageing life anyway.

I am rapidly approaching my 70TH! birthday, and sometimes it seems only a couple of years since my 60th….. the time when I decided that I just couldn’t hack living a bleddy lie any more. Though at other times, I feel that the last 10 years has been one of the longest and hardest decades of my life!

When I made a decision that I needed to change my situation, little did I realise that I’d be embarking on a sometimes tortuous journey of a lifetime. I also made a conscious decision to chart the journey, by way of blogs ….(which at that time was something pretty new, but I was definitely ready to learn new things, only realising much later that it was just another way of writing a diary… bleddy thick as a plank or what?). My need to clear my head of ‘issues’ is what drove it…..much to the annoyance of the man I had given everything to for 23 plus years. After a very shaky start, where I deleted a whole raft of blogs because of his objections, I began to realise that he was exercising an extension of the manipulation and control over me, that he had very cleverly used for a very long time. 

So, then I started to write for myself, in the way I needed, to keep my mental health issues under control. The result being in excess of 650 pages of trials, tribulations, self flagellation, many lessons being learnt, searching for myself….. but in the end realising I was there all the time….I just got ‘lost’ in the years of putting everyone else first. I went through every emotion you could possibly think of…..some of it makes my skin crawl to this very day 10 years later, but I’m not beating myself up over any of it any more… I’m well past wasting my precious time doing that..

But it was all to an end……and sure as hell not where I expected to be. But I am grateful, and proud of myself, for the fact that I can now stand tall, with my head held high…..despite making some huge fecking mistakes. I now put myself first, hopefully not in a selfish way, but in a self care way. I’m no longer afraid to say ‘no’ to anyone, especially if what I am being asked makes me uncomfortable. I will help anyone where I feel I can have a positive input, but cease to offer ‘advice’, as I now know that all of our perceptions differ so much, and well intentioned ‘advice’ can often be misconstrued. I will make the odd ‘suggestion’ if I think it will be received positively…..but only on matters I have knowledge about, or having experienced the issues concerned for myself. I now also only listen to people who have actually experienced situations where I am looking for answers. I know many people have theories on how we should function, and tell us how we should act/speak etc., (often without actual experience…..but that’s another issue)….. because we are not all the same, we are complex, we all have different needs, physically and mentally. The last decade, with the explosion of social media, has been a classic example of people not actually thinking for themselves, but believing all they read, see and hear in every area of the media….and now we find ourselves in a mental health epidemic, where people of every age, gender, religion etc., are taking their own lives by suicide in epic, and previously unknown, proportions. Media has to take some responsibility for it….along with the buffoons that appear to be currently running this world (yet another issue!)…..  All a sad indictment of the times we live in.

This makes it a bigger achievement for me to have come through the biggest change of my life, without succumbing [again] to severe depression. Yes, I suffered from anxiety, and took medication for several years (but not for a couple of years now! Go me!)…. But I was always at least one step ahead of the Black Dog…. I am incredibly fucking chuffed with myself for that! It can be done. I admit to being a depressive, as like an alcoholic, drug addict or a gambler, once a sufferer always a sufferer. But it’s how you handle it, that is the only way it can be controlled. However, unlike an alcoholic, drug addict or a gambler, a depressive can’t pinpoint the one thing to give up to help control the illness! Depression is unique to every sufferer, it has different ‘triggers’, often at different times, and there is no one definitive answer. It took a bleddy long time for me to twig that one. But when I did, my life started to transform. 

When I read my blogs, and my memories on social media, I see little glimpses of progress every so often, but like everything, some habits are hard to break……especially if you have taken decades to learn to live in a certain way. It’s bleddy hard to change things. 

But one of my favourite ‘sayings’ is TO CHANGE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE….YOU MUST CHANGE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE! It sounds simple, but trust me it fucking isn’t! Changing a lifetime of habits is bastarding hard work. Trial and error is probably an understatement! 

A few months ago, I looked at the gauntlet of emotions I had already run…..guilt, self pity, anger, jealousy, self criticism, disappointment and apathy….. But decided that ‘ACCEPTANCE’ was the biggest, and (hopefully) the final lesson I needed to learn to close this book on the last decade. I can’t change any of it. There were bad times, fun times, cringeworthy, exciting and foolhardy times… all necessary to experience, and to establish what I didn’t want from life, and what I actually needed. 

My life isn’t perfect, it has moments of everyday worries. But in the main, I now have a huge amount of happiness, satisfaction and simplicity…. Which suits me. (But I know this life could easily be the stuff of nightmares for many others).

So, closing this ‘book’ on the last decade is a thing I never thought I would be able to do….BUT I CAN!! I am moving into my 70’s with the peace of mind I couldn’t have imagined ten years ago, how bleddy epic is that?

We are also all heading into another decade…. a 21st century Roaring 20’s maybe….and I can only hope that anyone struggling like I did, will find their ‘ACCEPTANCE’….that they will find their life has many more positives than negatives….

These few pages will join the other 650+ pages in the box under the spare bed…. Until maybe one day I will be arsed to re-read it, edit it and hopefully afford to self publish it…. Someone maybe interested….who the fuck knows? I bleddy don’t anyway….

So I shall start 2020, and my 70’s, with a new Lurcio style ‘prologue’…. Titter Ye Not!… Or hopefully both you and I will Titter A Lot! …. If not, then I shall do another Lurcio thing….. And not give a flying fuck….. Happy Days xx

Lurcio

 

Oooooer Missus

It’s been quite a few weeks since I put ‘pen to paper’ so to speak, but it doesn’t mean I’ve totally hibernated, the old grey cell has been pondering…. and wandering off occasionally… but there hasn’t really been anything substantial to stir the old brain pot, with it’s squirrels and gremlins……

The main reason is that I have, over the last few months, been more concerned about my own welfare, and that of my bestest four legged buddy, who I am glad to say is fully recovered from her ‘affliction’…. and back to being her usual dumbfucker self. The irony of that situation, is that it gave me a fabulous opportunity to stop and have a look at my current life in detail.

Lots of things have randomly happened, that have actually enabled me to start to put together an epilogue to the painful last 10 years, and will put the book (which charts the whole shite journey, and hides in a box under the bed) to be finally closed.

Whether I’ll ever get around to editing it properly and finishing it once and for all, is a different matter entirely. It’s even more unlikely to be published, mostly due to financial constraints…. (Constraints? More like a fecking near lethal ligature…..). 

So what has brought out the squirrels and gremlins out to play? The apparent ‘life changing situation’ that surrounds us all…. that’s what… including our obsession with social media…. of which I am guilty. But in all fairness to myself (and I am still learning to be fair, and kind, to myself) social media has kept me afloat on many occasions. It’s kept me in touch with friends and family, without the need to make too much of an effort…. and in the past, I have had no bleddy effort to give!

But I have downsized my social media world, and dispensed with ‘friends’ who add nothing to my life, limited the interaction with many more, and spent less time wondering how their lives are some much more exciting than mine….. because basically I realise that I have no need to make any comparisons… my life suits me. And it’s certainly true that it’s not where I expected to be! But I have come to terms with that over the last few months, I have acceptance. Now that in itself is one reason the gremlins came out to play, as I mostly thought that acceptance meant that life will stop and stagnate, nothing else will change. How the fuck I thought that is no bugger’s ideas…. I just did.

Whereas, at this point in time, acceptance (for ME) means that I am where I am, for all the right and wrong reasons, and I will make the best of it. I will enjoy it (for ME). It will not be to everyone’s taste, or understanding, but personally, I don’t give a shit about that anymore…. and this is the reason I am generally happier and more relaxed than ever.

But ‘things’ will always niggle, that’s sodding life! So it’s these niggles that brought a few more of the annoying gremlins out…. and then the squirrels stirred, putting aside their nuts, and have decided to help put the fecking gremlins back in their bleddy box….. so down to business…..

Many friends know I made a conscious decision to stop watching/listening or reading any news programmes/papers/articles as much as feasibly possible, as I find them far too depressing, or ill informed, or sensationalised, or just plain crap… I have found it’s impossible to completely ignore current affairs as even the best of friends and family, in my small world, will bring something to my attention, often just in passing… so complete ignorance is not achievable. To try and keep myself in my ‘bubble’, I have gone back to reading. I’ve always had a tendency to read anything from Aristotle to a cereal packet. I am not educated, intellectual or remotely discerning (no I am not putting myself down… it’s simple how I am)…. but I love to learn about ‘stuff’.. any shit will do….

Now there is an irony here…. you will think I’m a bigger divvy than you originally thought when you [possibly] read this… but I’m really not bothered, but it made me laugh at myself! My reading had slipped quite a bit, because of my crap financial situation, I had to stop buying ebooks, the free books often got repetitive, and often I understood why they were free.. so instead would occasionally buy second hand books … but that involved a travel cost etc., then …. oh my days…. a fecking epiphany! The library!! (Yes yes I know!!)….. Our obsession with all things internetty, often makes us forget the old way of doing things….

So off I trot, and draw out a whole raft of books, about anything, whatever caught my eye. Some racy chicklit, period novels, biographies, autobiographies, referencey stuff, historical and everything in between…. I am not one of those people who sit/stand in front of stuffed bookcases, knowingly perusing the forward of a specific genre book. Nope I’m the ‘Oh I like that name/cover/print/size/subject’ kind of book person…. I can grab 10 books in as many minutes. At home, I now stick my head in a book after the relevant walkies and daily chores, when I have no other appointments, and often when there’s fuck all worthwhile on the tv, and transport myself off into a different world. With my phone beside me to Google the big (or old fashioned) words…. I bleddy love that…. I have found some absolute bleddy crackers that perhaps I will drop into conversation one day …. Oh what a joy that would be!!

So where is all this leading?? Well here I go…. (if you’ve stuck around this long that is!)

Combining my social media and these books…. I find that life has actually changed very little…. the methods, especially with the internet and the media, have altered…. but seriously I repeat, things have changed very little…..

The world is still run by an elite, frequently wealthy buffoons and tyrants. Promises of a new and better world are made and broken. Wars, and the threat of them continue. The younger generations think they have all the answers, the older ones have been there, tried and often failed. Progress of some sort is always inevitable, but it is often a very lengthy process, and the outcome is not always successful, having never really been ‘tried and tested’ for a significant period of time. A huge amount of our world is suffering from progress. Can’t be arsed to start listing everything, but cigarettes (now vaping apparently), asbestos, plastic, nuclear everything, blah di blah blah…. all hailed as progress.

Currently, we are going through Brexshit, where every other person thinks the world will stop, no food, no medicines….we are told all the stuff we import will cost too much….  then they report that our own farmers/fishermen are suffering poor prices, and going out of business, taking their own lives in desperation …. Ermmm…. so if we have to pay a bit more to our own producers as opposed to importing? By the same token, can all the people that export goods to our country be wealthy enough to do without our business? Yes, it’s simplistic…. but trust me I fucking swear by simples!

Now an election! Bugger me backwards Betty….that’s the answer! So we can vote out all the greedy buffoons and bring in who exactly? The options are limited…. and we are going around in ever decreasing circles… not one bugger has offered anything that will change my little world…. I commented this to a young friend today…

 ……….. I have been criticised for not voting for the last 15+ years or more … and yes my life has changed drastically… with no help from one politician or government policy. I changed my life from my own decisions and choices (some good and some very bad lol). I’ve worked hard for over 50 years, paid my dues (and some seriously huge tax bills). And what for? To be receiving an annual income of £8500 a year … add in my ‘benefits’ (which I don’t actually receive in cash) and it’s a max of £15k. Due to divorce and other shit, I have no private pensions or savings (wtf are they?) …. The government states the ‘living wage’ is £18k. Yep they sure looked after me.

And no I do not regret not voting.

My peers who have criticised me, who have campaigned and are now worrying themselves into an early grave are no better off than me… but of course, what the fuck would the average 70/80 year olds know?? We are forgotten about once we can’t add to the greedy b’stard government coffers.
End of a rare rant… I shall say no more.

Look after yourself. I have to. They do for sure 

And then this…..

I have retired friends who support/campaign/vote for different parties. They are home owners. They appear affluent… modest pensions (which have been robbed by the greed of the government and corporate powers over the years)…own home, cars and even holidays. They maintain a lifestyle they worked for. Lucky them … but…. They also worry that they won’t have the healthcare they ‘paid for’, that they will have to sell everything they worked for to pay for their ‘final days’ … at least I don’t have to worry about that.. the way things are going.. I’ll put myself out with the garbage. But you know who is the happiest? Yep me … in my little Bear cave… in my little Paradise… but you know that already lol.

Now what’s this to do with my reading?

I read a book about Maya Angelou…. renowned for her ‘wiseness’….. all I read and saw was common sense….. my views on that are known already…. so I didn’t find this book the ‘revelation’ I had hoped for!

I read a book about the life of Virgina Woolf….. a prolific writer of books….. plus diaries and letters (equivalent to today’s blogs maybe?)…..but despite being a success in her field, she was a manic depressive who ended up taking her own life….. sound familiar?

I read a book about Lady Constance Lytton…. a passionate suffragette, who stood alongside Emmeline and Christabel Pankhurst … who tirelessly and unselfishly campaigned for woman in every field for decades…. and never saw the final result of votes for all women in 1928….

Both Woolf and Lytton came from privileged backgrounds… they probably never met…. but were connected by friendships and marriages that were prominent in their lives…. which illustrated to me how deeply entrenched the ‘old boys’ network actually was…. and probably still is….

Then I diversified and read some short stories by Penny Vincenzi…. some of her slightly raw early writings… I have been a fan of her other tomes…. which often charts well researched social history through generations…. which, in turn, reminded me of how we all move forward, we never stay still…. progress is inevitable, if yet unproven.… 

Whatever the fuck happens over the next few months, it will have little or no effect upon me…… it will be progress…… but nothing new is likely to manifest itself….

So I suggest that you carry on regardless…. Oh and don’t bother to tell me why I am wrong… if you are passionate about any of it…. stop being a keyboard warrior… get off your fucking arse and do something positive and get involved….. I tried once upon a time…. it made not a jot of bleddy difference….. but good luck to you… maybe you’ll beat the old boy puppet network, and the corporate b’stards that operate them ….. I’ll sit back and eat my popcorn and watch proceedings from a very great distance….

So the squirrels have now done their work…. and kicked the arses of the gremlins back into their box…. I can get on with my own little life again….

Time for an unbelievable romantic novel methinks….. and hopefully it will stop raining and I can get the important stuff of walking the dumbfucker dog in my bit of Paradise….

 

 

 

Everybody needs a hero…

… and I have plenty… apart from the usual hero worship of ‘ unobtainable’ people… (among them are many writers, philosophers and raconteurs…. to whose dizzy heights of reverence I can only aspire to in my head!) …. I also have some very dear friends who make me feel extremely humble, and I class many of them MY heroes….

From those who have suffered life changing illnesses and continue to live their lives to the fullest way that they can… to those who have had gut wrenching losses of children, who had succumbed to the black dog of depression. Then there are those who have overcome massive challenges in their chosen careers, those that have maintained happy relationships for many decades, and those that remain upbeat no matter what seems to challenge them. (How the fuck do they do that?)

When I look at that list…. the upside of it is that I’m proud to be part of their lives. The downside is that I can chart my failures by their successes. Note: this is my perception… not how you see me.

For me, trying to keep to the positives is sometimes frcking challenging … as the past few weeks have been. It will seems a trivial matter for most people, but my dumbass pooch is my world… always there with unconditional love. To snuggle up to when the world seems ‘against’ me. Now she has a condition, which although ‘temporary’ is taking what seems a lifetime to put right …. drained my meagre finances and put me into debt. My worst chuffing nightmare. I’m not so bothered about being confined to barracks because of my financial issues, as I will survive that reasonably well … I’ve [personally] been through a lot worse in my time… even when I had money. That’s been charted and I’ve no need to revisit that…. but nonetheless some days I’m not particularly ok…. and I know better than most that it’s ok not to be ok … but it is bleddy wearing. I’m exhausted.

So I mentally turn to my heroes, to reassure me that I’m doing ok. Most of them have busy and full lives, and I understand that they can’t always be at hand, and I am the sort of person who won’t ‘intrude’ … it’s the way I am… it’s taken me almost 70 years to get this way… and I ain’t chuffing well changing now! I adapt. I appreciate time people take for me. I get on with things as best as I can. I will ask for help if I’m desperate… but only if I’m desperate… I have no wish to be the needy friend… as in my past I’ve had plenty of those … and it becomes toxic. Same as the moaning Minnie…. I have to work bleddy hard not to be that… as I can easily slip into that mode.

So I have to kick my own arse hard at times. But more and more I realise that apart from myself and pooch, there is definitely one constant hero in my life.

My wonderful Mum.

She doesn’t have an entry in any Who’s Who…. or Wikipedia…. she didn’t set the world on fire in any particular field …. except being my mum. My best friend. My fount of knowledge. My inspiration. She was popular, but knew she wasn’t everybody’s cup of tea, it never bothered her, as she always said that she didn’t like everybody either. Good point. She accepted quite easily that everyone had a right to an opinion, but she had a right to hers too.

An aside … The classic always being “Margaret Thatcher? … Silly bleddy bitch!” … no one would ever sway her either.. no matter where her name/picture appeared … those three words were guaranteed to be uttered.

She would help anyone as long as it was appreciated and not taken advantage of. She loved to learn new things every day. She never had a lot out of life … but whilst sometimes a bit miffed about it, she never took the poor me stance. She had grounded common sense. (A rarity nowadays I reckon). She had a moral ethic, respect for everyone .. even the people she positively disliked, as she said they had as much right to do things the way they wanted as she did .. so even though she hated Thatcher with every ounce of her being… she respected that “she had more balls than the chinless wonders that surrounded her” …

I wasn’t always aware of how wise she was… until looking back, with wonderful hindsight, I realise that those things ‘drip fed’ into my psyche … and it wasn’t until the last 20 odd years, and particularly after she died, that I appreciated her influence. I am blessed for that…. many people I know never really got that opportunity… due to many different reasons.

Nowadays I usually look in the mirror and see my Mum… we have conversations… we laugh… we cry … we solve things together.

In the last few weeks I’ve rather neglected her… so wrapped up in my own problems. But I reckon that overnight she gave me a subliminal good talking to. I woke this morning stepping into her shoes again …. before I knew it, I was singing a stupid made up ditty, in the style of Joan Sutherland… I misquoted poetry at the dog… poked my teeth with a toothpick before brushing ….and then brushed my hair, with a final flourish of the hairbrush being thrown on the shelf with a “that’ll do” … putting on face cream with reminder to “moisturise dear … moisturise!”

Dear Mum has come to save the day … my hero! I know will get through this shite state of affairs. I always do. I’m a survivor.

My message is that if you’re struggling today … remember you are your own hero first and foremost… but you must chose who lives in your head! And then there will always be hero who will help somewhere in there.

Thanks Mum. Love and miss you always… thanks for the mental arse kick xxxx

Keep on keeping on….

In truth we rarely stay exactly where we are… though sometimes it doesn’t bleddy feel like it! At times we feel as though we are swimming against the tide, whilst trying to nail jelly to the sodding wall..

This has been my last month. It’s draining. I feel at times that I’m trapped in a vicious circle and going nowhere fast. It’s not life threatening or serious in any way …, because it’s my personal issue. I have to deal with it. Without a small stroke of good fortune, it’s unlikely to get ‘fixed’ in any way. So I have to constantly be creative in dealing with the crap life still occasionally chucks at me.

So today is the ideal opportunity to adjust my thinking. It’s a Sunday… and the first day of a new month. It’s time for a quick review of the last month, picking out the good stuff, and realising that it wasn’t that bleddy bad. But, as always the shit stuff stinks the most….

So what’s new about that?? Absolutely bugger all.. it’s the same for each and every one of us. We all have our challenges at different points in our lives. Some are much more serious than others. Some may seem ridiculously trivial to those who are maybe in a plateau of a quiet life. But it doesn’t alter the fact that they are personal mountains we all have to climb to reach that plateau …. then something or some fecker upsets the sodding apple cart, and the whole uphill challenge starts again.

Buggerations….

But it’s great to find a window of opportunity, to look how to find the easiest route forward. And the easiest way is straight in front of you. With one step. It doesn’t matter a bleddy jot if it does nothing to solve your ‘problem’… it’s often a small distraction that can help to put things into a different perspective. It’s more about how you handle the situation you find yourself in, than the actual solving.

Yep … that sounds weird.. but life is like that. Often solutions come from a totally direction than you expected. It doesn’t mean you have to forget the route you are taking… it just means that you need to cast your eyes, and ears, around you for a distraction or an opportunity to change your thinking.

We almost all wing our way through life. Because plans are vastly overrated, though we hate to admit that shit happens… often by our own mistakes. (Or maybe that’s just me 🤔)

But today gives most people a chance to make a little effort and find what they want for the next new week and new month. The main thing is to make it move on a bit, keep on keeping on, taking a step in a forward direction, even if your not sure where you are going!

No point in stagnation.. the shit will always be there …. it is only the sodding depth that changes.

Today’s blog is brought to you by the School of Hard Knocks

Not my bleddy circus ….

Never actually been a fan of the circus anyway … and some people think that is odd … but why should it be? It’s all down to personal taste anyway.

It’s funny that we all have our own likes and dislikes … and in general we accept that. But having differing opinions is another bleddy matter.

I’ve been mulling this bugger over for a very long time. I’ve amused myself, got impatient with myself (and others), and drawn my own conclusions, so I need to put this bit of shite to bed…. it taken up too much of my precious time to be as lazy as fuck.

We often protest, and get offended, if someone says we are prejudiced or judgmental…. but I don’t really think there is a person alive (or dead) who isn’t either of those in some way. People through history, especially those who have done great things, have been judgemental about others who don’t see their way as the right way. What about Farraday and Tesla for instance? …. (Cue Googling) ….

There has been prejudice with race, religion, politics etc., we stick our hands up in horror about human and environmental atrocities… but often do very little to personally address the problems… because of our own personal circumstances…. and what box we fit into.

So…. (that’ll piss at least one person off – no offence boy) … we are all probably critical of most frcking things under the sun, especially if they don’t fit with own perceptions…..

I noticed recently how people, (definitely including myself!) get annoyed by various ‘trivialities’ … and put up a post on social media, usually starting with …”Why do people….?” In my case it’s grammatical issues… ie. draws instead of drawers. Ffs it’s not frcking rocket science!! Though in truth for some people it is! I should know this very well… once being married to a severe dyslexic, with his mum and son similarly affected. (It really can be genetic in some cases). The oh … up goes the cry … “use predictive text!” …. well for the average dyslexic, that’s as much use as tits on a fish …. unless you can identify the meaning (some will then say “look it up??” Now that’s just being plain bleddy silly!) Some affected folk can sound out a word… and what does drawers generally sound like?? Then there’s ‘there, their and they’re’… so I’m guilty of compartmentalising, criticising and judging people … even though I should know better! I’m as big a chuffing hypocrite as the next person.

I was really amused recently when a lovely young friend, queried why people asked really simple questions, that can easily be found out by a bit of easy research. The most responses were that people are generally too lazy to look. My bleddy hand shot up! As I am lazy a fuck… though (in my defence 🤣) I tend to be a bit cryptic or tongue in cheek about some of my questions… just to spark a debate … and to wait and see how many reply with a copy and paste from some search engine. Which usually ignites the good old competitiveness…. that ‘my answer is better than your answer!’ Which in turn fuels my curiosity …. and my opinion that Mr Google really don’t have the definitive answer to everything. Nor does Alexa, or Siri or or or ….. (we all know that Wikipedia can be edited by almost anyone to ‘correct’ us …. don’t we?? 😁🙄🤔) … Therefore, to a degree, I can accept laziness as a reason. Why do something you can’t be arsed to do, when someone else is more than willing to either show how helpful…. or clever they are. Fine by me.

But the best response was attention seeking! I personally don’t get this one … if I wanted to seek attention, I’d make sure it was something that would really get people to do a “WTF?” ….. Like “Where’s the best place to take off all my clothes for a refreshing open air streak?”…. (No … I don’t have any bleddy intention of scaring the natives anymore than I do already) … but hopefully you get my drift, without elaborating…

Once again it’s all in our own perception of how people should act. We make assumptions that most people have the same capabilities as our own. And that’s despite knowing better! We compartmentalise people much more than we realise. It’s how life is. And always has been as far as I can see…. with all my hours of sitting on my saggy arse researching a myriad of trivialities (fetish tendencies was one of my favourites by the way 🤓) … That’s when I can be bothered of course …. or I simply asked the question… and let others do the work for me … yep I’m bleddy lazy … but, being the frequently reclusive Bear that I am…. attention seeking doesn’t apply … I don’t (can’t and won’t) fit into that frcking box …

Am I bothered now? Nope… not now… dealt with that … moving onto the next life conundrum… or maybe a coffee … or a bit of nappage. All I’ve done is emptied out the head a bit. Bleddy ansum job done. My flying fuck has been appeased ….

Today I am old…

You are as old as you feel …. how many times do we get told this? And to a degree it’s right … but our bleddy bodies have their own agenda … it ages without our permission… it deteriorates constantly. B’stard….

Yesterday was a funny old day… and I’ve got to get the thoughts that are whizzing around my head out … to look at them objectively… and without the help of the squirrels and gremlins that pitch headlong into battle in my emotional minefield.

So in the words of my ‘mate’ Jethro …. ‘What happened was…..’

…… a series of memories were stirred, initiated by other people on social media…. which I have been spending a bit more time on, because of ‘nursing’ a poorly pooch …. or actually standing guard over her to stop her doing any more bleddy damage to a very poorly paw…. or chew her fecking way out of her Cone of Shame… hence duct tape 🙄

These memories were random …. an old school photo from over 60 years ago, with my sister in… some stuff about the changes in the seaside village, where I grew up half a century ago …. photos of a pantomime group that I eventually took over 30 years ago …. friends and events from my Garage Theatre days 15 years ago …. a family wedding at a very difficult time 6 years ago …. as well as overhearing a conversation about the difficulties that the pub trade are facing (and don’t I know it! 3 years ago) …. then a wonderful phone call from a very special person who is my hero, and will live in my heart always…. these all added up to memories of the stages in my life being tossed around.

My dear old mum use to say “We have more stages than Wells Fargo”…. (one for the oldies) …. and it’s true. Our lives takes twists and turns …. some that we have little control over… but many more are by our own choices. My record hasn’t been that different from anyone else’s … but when I make a bad choice … I am frcking epic at it! At least I am able to accept that better now. It’s made me who I am. As does everyone’s past. You can’t change things, so you can’t regret any of it either.

What has made me a little sad, is the time it has taken to realise that I am now a bit too long in the tooth, and definitely a bit too damaged… to make many changes from where I am now. It certainly wasn’t where I expected to be …. and I don’t think many of us can say we are…. too many outside influences determine our paths in life.

I’m certainly not complaining…. I love where I am in life at the moment …. I’m happier than I’ve been for many years. But… and there’s always the BUT…. there are things missing that are unlikely ever to happen now. Some because of this physical old age …. I can no longer run or swim, even my walkies are no longer counted in hours and miles …. despite regularly getting out at least twice a day. It’s sometimes disappointing to realise I need to head for home, or I will suffer later on.

Neither will I find that love some people have been lucky enough to have (sometimes more than once) in their lives…. my poor old heart is far too battered and bruised to maintain any close relationship … I have so much love for many people… but it’s extremely unlikely I will ever want to give my heart away again …..

I am constantly learning to live with the choices I actually made …. what it seems is that it’s harder to live with the ones I didn’t make …. the last 10 or so years I haven’t toyed with the ‘what ifs’…. (after hearing my mother, not long before she died, wishing she had done so many things that were well within her grasp). I discounted the ‘what ifs’ and gone ahead and done things I wanted to do …. with some really excellent results and some equally disastrous ones!

Previous to that, I had my own opportunities, which I chose not to pursue…. mainly because of the objections from others, or for the sake of proprietary …. in truth I should have put my happiness first! But hey ho … most of those things cannot be changed.. there is little point in trying to turn the clock back when you are no longer physically or emotionally capable.

Recovery from any trauma takes time… in our OWN time … no matter how much advice we are given, no matter how much encouragement we get… all of that helps… but in truth we are our own healers.

I realise that it may all sound a load of bollocks … but this is for me … it’s my life’s spreadsheet …. my progress has to be at my own pace … step by step. It’s clear to me that some areas of my life will always be lacking …. because I’m not prepared to take … or be… second choice for anything or anybody.

I’m probably shooting myself in the foot, but ….

1) I can’t see my foot without bleddy glasses

2) I’ve not got the physical strength to pull the sodding trigger

3) I have a very low pain threshold now …. old age has taken over ….

So today I am fecking old.

Hey ho … such is life … and at least I’m here to live it …. and happy with that.

In the meantime … 🎵one more step along the road I go 🎶 on my own journey with a clearer head now 🤓

What do I know?

Reckon bugger all…. and everything. Oh the paradox! We all know that for every positive there is a negative.

Science constantly endorses that… in every field… it still bleddy amazes me that many ‘cures’ are based on toxic substances …. how the hell does that work?? (No please don’t bother to try and explain….I’ll remain happy in my ignorance and stay in awe!)

Social media, where it seems that so many people live their lives nowadays …. is constantly saturated with positive mental attitude ‘memes’ …. these are great… or are they?

Back in the 90’s I read dozens of books promoting ‘positive affirmations’… from Napoleon Hill to Dale Carnegie and Susan Jeffers. I read them as a way to help build a business. To a degree I reckon I got obsessed by them…… believing my life would never be happy, or complete, without practicing positivity….

Guess what? My life still fucked up.

Yep. I helped to build that business… only for it to be taken away by someone who never read those books (in fact that happened twice! 😳🙄 … some lessons are harder to learn than others it seems). But my positive attitude certainly helped with the fallouts that ensued… but it wasn’t able to stop shit happening!

Mental health issues seem to be at the forefront of today’s modern society…. it is a very sad fact that suicides are increasing. I have my own personal philosophies on this…. having been suicidal myself, in the dark and (thankfully) distant past…. but for respect to those who have lost loved ones who took their own lives… I’m not going to publicly spout them. Because despite the fact my thoughts would ring true for some… they would upset others.

Though saying that, I do wonder, as a generalisation, if this is affected by the current obsession with creating a perfect life. Well let’s just all accept once and for all that there is no such sodding thing!! Realising that shit will always happen, and that it’s how we deal with it is the key. Using the positive mental attitude sure helps.. as long as you choose the right ones. But how the hell do we know which are the right ones?? How do you decide whether ‘to keep your own council’ … or ‘to share a problem is a problem halved’. Do you ‘think things through’ or ‘try not to overthink’?!

I can’t answer that. Because one size doesn’t fit all …. we are all unique and our needs are as individual as we are …

My life is [almost!] as good as it gets. It sure ain’t perfect … I still have to fight my demons …. though they are a lot less challenging than they have been in the past … but the buggers are still there! It’s a fact that my life would not suit everyone…. for some it would even be a fecking nightmare!

BUT (oh yes here’s the BUT) I am still learning my lessons. I am learning them for me. I know what I don’t want….. and I know what I do want …. and occasionally it causes problems … or let’s say ‘you have to break eggs to make an omelette’. 😁

I can chuck more idioms and cliches at you than you can shake a stick at. (And I have even discovered the difference between them … not that it really matters a bleddy jot).

As life will always happenand life will often get in the way….

Confused? I’ll get me coat … though that would be silly as it’s so warm …. that’s life eh?

Off to do some blue sky thinking…. have a great day 😎