It’s been quite a few weeks since I put ‘pen to paper’ so to speak, but it doesn’t mean I’ve totally hibernated, the old grey cell has been pondering…. and wandering off occasionally… but there hasn’t really been anything substantial to stir the old brain pot, with it’s squirrels and gremlins……
The main reason is that I have, over the last few months, been more concerned about my own welfare, and that of my bestest four legged buddy, who I am glad to say is fully recovered from her ‘affliction’…. and back to being her usual dumbfucker self. The irony of that situation, is that it gave me a fabulous opportunity to stop and have a look at my current life in detail.
Lots of things have randomly happened, that have actually enabled me to start to put together an epilogue to the painful last 10 years, and will put the book (which charts the whole shite journey, and hides in a box under the bed) to be finally closed.
Whether I’ll ever get around to editing it properly and finishing it once and for all, is a different matter entirely. It’s even more unlikely to be published, mostly due to financial constraints…. (Constraints? More like a fecking near lethal ligature…..).
So what has brought out the squirrels and gremlins out to play? The apparent ‘life changing situation’ that surrounds us all…. that’s what… including our obsession with social media…. of which I am guilty. But in all fairness to myself (and I am still learning to be fair, and kind, to myself) social media has kept me afloat on many occasions. It’s kept me in touch with friends and family, without the need to make too much of an effort…. and in the past, I have had no bleddy effort to give!
But I have downsized my social media world, and dispensed with ‘friends’ who add nothing to my life, limited the interaction with many more, and spent less time wondering how their lives are some much more exciting than mine….. because basically I realise that I have no need to make any comparisons… my life suits me. And it’s certainly true that it’s not where I expected to be! But I have come to terms with that over the last few months, I have acceptance. Now that in itself is one reason the gremlins came out to play, as I mostly thought that acceptance meant that life will stop and stagnate, nothing else will change. How the fuck I thought that is no bugger’s ideas…. I just did.
Whereas, at this point in time, acceptance (for ME) means that I am where I am, for all the right and wrong reasons, and I will make the best of it. I will enjoy it (for ME). It will not be to everyone’s taste, or understanding, but personally, I don’t give a shit about that anymore…. and this is the reason I am generally happier and more relaxed than ever.
But ‘things’ will always niggle, that’s sodding life! So it’s these niggles that brought a few more of the annoying gremlins out…. and then the squirrels stirred, putting aside their nuts, and have decided to help put the fecking gremlins back in their bleddy box….. so down to business…..
Many friends know I made a conscious decision to stop watching/listening or reading any news programmes/papers/articles as much as feasibly possible, as I find them far too depressing, or ill informed, or sensationalised, or just plain crap… I have found it’s impossible to completely ignore current affairs as even the best of friends and family, in my small world, will bring something to my attention, often just in passing… so complete ignorance is not achievable. To try and keep myself in my ‘bubble’, I have gone back to reading. I’ve always had a tendency to read anything from Aristotle to a cereal packet. I am not educated, intellectual or remotely discerning (no I am not putting myself down… it’s simple how I am)…. but I love to learn about ‘stuff’.. any shit will do….
Now there is an irony here…. you will think I’m a bigger divvy than you originally thought when you [possibly] read this… but I’m really not bothered, but it made me laugh at myself! My reading had slipped quite a bit, because of my crap financial situation, I had to stop buying ebooks, the free books often got repetitive, and often I understood why they were free.. so instead would occasionally buy second hand books … but that involved a travel cost etc., then …. oh my days…. a fecking epiphany! The library!! (Yes yes I know!!)….. Our obsession with all things internetty, often makes us forget the old way of doing things….
So off I trot, and draw out a whole raft of books, about anything, whatever caught my eye. Some racy chicklit, period novels, biographies, autobiographies, referencey stuff, historical and everything in between…. I am not one of those people who sit/stand in front of stuffed bookcases, knowingly perusing the forward of a specific genre book. Nope I’m the ‘Oh I like that name/cover/print/size/subject’ kind of book person…. I can grab 10 books in as many minutes. At home, I now stick my head in a book after the relevant walkies and daily chores, when I have no other appointments, and often when there’s fuck all worthwhile on the tv, and transport myself off into a different world. With my phone beside me to Google the big (or old fashioned) words…. I bleddy love that…. I have found some absolute bleddy crackers that perhaps I will drop into conversation one day …. Oh what a joy that would be!!
So where is all this leading?? Well here I go…. (if you’ve stuck around this long that is!)
Combining my social media and these books…. I find that life has actually changed very little…. the methods, especially with the internet and the media, have altered…. but seriously I repeat, things have changed very little…..
The world is still run by an elite, frequently wealthy buffoons and tyrants. Promises of a new and better world are made and broken. Wars, and the threat of them continue. The younger generations think they have all the answers, the older ones have been there, tried and often failed. Progress of some sort is always inevitable, but it is often a very lengthy process, and the outcome is not always successful, having never really been ‘tried and tested’ for a significant period of time. A huge amount of our world is suffering from progress. Can’t be arsed to start listing everything, but cigarettes (now vaping apparently), asbestos, plastic, nuclear everything, blah di blah blah…. all hailed as progress.
Currently, we are going through Brexshit, where every other person thinks the world will stop, no food, no medicines….we are told all the stuff we import will cost too much…. then they report that our own farmers/fishermen are suffering poor prices, and going out of business, taking their own lives in desperation …. Ermmm…. so if we have to pay a bit more to our own producers as opposed to importing? By the same token, can all the people that export goods to our country be wealthy enough to do without our business? Yes, it’s simplistic…. but trust me I fucking swear by simples!
Now an election! Bugger me backwards Betty….that’s the answer! So we can vote out all the greedy buffoons and bring in who exactly? The options are limited…. and we are going around in ever decreasing circles… not one bugger has offered anything that will change my little world…. I commented this to a young friend today…
……….. I have been criticised for not voting for the last 15+ years or more … and yes my life has changed drastically… with no help from one politician or government policy. I changed my life from my own decisions and choices (some good and some very bad lol). I’ve worked hard for over 50 years, paid my dues (and some seriously huge tax bills). And what for? To be receiving an annual income of £8500 a year … add in my ‘benefits’ (which I don’t actually receive in cash) and it’s a max of £15k. Due to divorce and other shit, I have no private pensions or savings (wtf are they?) …. The government states the ‘living wage’ is £18k. Yep they sure looked after me.
And no I do not regret not voting.
My peers who have criticised me, who have campaigned and are now worrying themselves into an early grave are no better off than me… but of course, what the fuck would the average 70/80 year olds know?? We are forgotten about once we can’t add to the greedy b’stard government coffers.
End of a rare rant… I shall say no more.
Look after yourself. I have to. They do for sure
And then this…..
I have retired friends who support/campaign/vote for different parties. They are home owners. They appear affluent… modest pensions (which have been robbed by the greed of the government and corporate powers over the years)…own home, cars and even holidays. They maintain a lifestyle they worked for. Lucky them … but…. They also worry that they won’t have the healthcare they ‘paid for’, that they will have to sell everything they worked for to pay for their ‘final days’ … at least I don’t have to worry about that.. the way things are going.. I’ll put myself out with the garbage. But you know who is the happiest? Yep me … in my little Bear cave… in my little Paradise… but you know that already lol.
Now what’s this to do with my reading?
I read a book about Maya Angelou…. renowned for her ‘wiseness’….. all I read and saw was common sense….. my views on that are known already…. so I didn’t find this book the ‘revelation’ I had hoped for!
I read a book about the life of Virgina Woolf….. a prolific writer of books….. plus diaries and letters (equivalent to today’s blogs maybe?)…..but despite being a success in her field, she was a manic depressive who ended up taking her own life….. sound familiar?
I read a book about Lady Constance Lytton…. a passionate suffragette, who stood alongside Emmeline and Christabel Pankhurst … who tirelessly and unselfishly campaigned for woman in every field for decades…. and never saw the final result of votes for all women in 1928….
Both Woolf and Lytton came from privileged backgrounds… they probably never met…. but were connected by friendships and marriages that were prominent in their lives…. which illustrated to me how deeply entrenched the ‘old boys’ network actually was…. and probably still is….
Then I diversified and read some short stories by Penny Vincenzi…. some of her slightly raw early writings… I have been a fan of her other tomes…. which often charts well researched social history through generations…. which, in turn, reminded me of how we all move forward, we never stay still…. progress is inevitable, if yet unproven.…
Whatever the fuck happens over the next few months, it will have little or no effect upon me…… it will be progress…… but nothing new is likely to manifest itself….
So I suggest that you carry on regardless…. Oh and don’t bother to tell me why I am wrong… if you are passionate about any of it…. stop being a keyboard warrior… get off your fucking arse and do something positive and get involved….. I tried once upon a time…. it made not a jot of bleddy difference….. but good luck to you… maybe you’ll beat the old boy puppet network, and the corporate b’stards that operate them ….. I’ll sit back and eat my popcorn and watch proceedings from a very great distance….
So the squirrels have now done their work…. and kicked the arses of the gremlins back into their box…. I can get on with my own little life again….
Time for an unbelievable romantic novel methinks….. and hopefully it will stop raining and I can get the important stuff of walking the dumbfucker dog in my bit of Paradise….