Today I am old…

You are as old as you feel …. how many times do we get told this? And to a degree it’s right … but our bleddy bodies have their own agenda … it ages without our permission… it deteriorates constantly. B’stard….

Yesterday was a funny old day… and I’ve got to get the thoughts that are whizzing around my head out … to look at them objectively… and without the help of the squirrels and gremlins that pitch headlong into battle in my emotional minefield.

So in the words of my ‘mate’ Jethro …. ‘What happened was…..’

…… a series of memories were stirred, initiated by other people on social media…. which I have been spending a bit more time on, because of ‘nursing’ a poorly pooch …. or actually standing guard over her to stop her doing any more bleddy damage to a very poorly paw…. or chew her fecking way out of her Cone of Shame… hence duct tape πŸ™„

These memories were random …. an old school photo from over 60 years ago, with my sister in… some stuff about the changes in the seaside village, where I grew up half a century ago …. photos of a pantomime group that I eventually took over 30 years ago …. friends and events from my Garage Theatre days 15 years ago …. a family wedding at a very difficult time 6 years ago …. as well as overhearing a conversation about the difficulties that the pub trade are facing (and don’t I know it! 3 years ago) …. then a wonderful phone call from a very special person who is my hero, and will live in my heart always…. these all added up to memories of the stages in my life being tossed around.

My dear old mum use to say “We have more stages than Wells Fargo”…. (one for the oldies) …. and it’s true. Our lives takes twists and turns …. some that we have little control over… but many more are by our own choices. My record hasn’t been that different from anyone else’s … but when I make a bad choice … I am frcking epic at it! At least I am able to accept that better now. It’s made me who I am. As does everyone’s past. You can’t change things, so you can’t regret any of it either.

What has made me a little sad, is the time it has taken to realise that I am now a bit too long in the tooth, and definitely a bit too damaged… to make many changes from where I am now. It certainly wasn’t where I expected to be …. and I don’t think many of us can say we are…. too many outside influences determine our paths in life.

I’m certainly not complaining…. I love where I am in life at the moment …. I’m happier than I’ve been for many years. But… and there’s always the BUT…. there are things missing that are unlikely ever to happen now. Some because of this physical old age …. I can no longer run or swim, even my walkies are no longer counted in hours and miles …. despite regularly getting out at least twice a day. It’s sometimes disappointing to realise I need to head for home, or I will suffer later on.

Neither will I find that love some people have been lucky enough to have (sometimes more than once) in their lives…. my poor old heart is far too battered and bruised to maintain any close relationship … I have so much love for many people… but it’s extremely unlikely I will ever want to give my heart away again …..

I am constantly learning to live with the choices I actually made …. what it seems is that it’s harder to live with the ones I didn’t make …. the last 10 or so years I haven’t toyed with the ‘what ifs’…. (after hearing my mother, not long before she died, wishing she had done so many things that were well within her grasp). I discounted the ‘what ifs’ and gone ahead and done things I wanted to do …. with some really excellent results and some equally disastrous ones!

Previous to that, I had my own opportunities, which I chose not to pursue…. mainly because of the objections from others, or for the sake of proprietary …. in truth I should have put my happiness first! But hey ho … most of those things cannot be changed.. there is little point in trying to turn the clock back when you are no longer physically or emotionally capable.

Recovery from any trauma takes time… in our OWN time … no matter how much advice we are given, no matter how much encouragement we get… all of that helps… but in truth we are our own healers.

I realise that it may all sound a load of bollocks … but this is for me … it’s my life’s spreadsheet …. my progress has to be at my own pace … step by step. It’s clear to me that some areas of my life will always be lacking …. because I’m not prepared to take … or be… second choice for anything or anybody.

I’m probably shooting myself in the foot, but ….

1) I can’t see my foot without bleddy glasses

2) I’ve not got the physical strength to pull the sodding trigger

3) I have a very low pain threshold now …. old age has taken over ….

So today I am fecking old.

Hey ho … such is life … and at least I’m here to live it …. and happy with that.

In the meantime … 🎡one more step along the road I go 🎢 on my own journey with a clearer head now πŸ€“

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