So yesterday I completed printing off 656 pages of my scribbling.. I decided to do it for the fact I was getting as teasy as a rat trying to edit the sodding stuff on a screen… far too slow a process, to cross reference for repetitions etc., and I was losing the fecking will to live… which led to procrastination… which led to bugger all happening.
So my ‘solution’ was to print the whole shebang off. And nope… I couldn’t pay for it to be done… my shoestring budget involves a very short, broken and frayed bit of sodding shoestring…. but hereby lay another dilemma…. my printer was old… unreliable and the ink expensive. But hey ho … use one cartridge a month for the next zillion years and I’ll get the b’stard job done. Then Lady Luck took pity on my pathetic situation… a very kind friend (unbeknown to my plight) offered me another printer, as he had upgraded…. hallefuckinglujah!! It even came with a whole bunch of replacement cartridges. Manna from heaven…. and then I found out they were cheap as chips to buy anyway. What a bleddy result.
Only downside was that it was slow printing …. but the fact I could actually get the damn job done was something. I soon learnt that it was sensible (sensible me?? Wahaha) to do it in rounds of 25 pages, as my attention span often fucked off to play somewhere else.
What I didn’t learn… until the last final push of 156 remaining pages, is not to over use the domestic printer …. as I ended up with a whole raft of arseholing alien gobbledygook …. I was none too pleased…. though it did cause much amusement amongst so called friends!!
But I was determined to finish getting it all printed …. so allowed some time for said b’stard printer (and myself) to cool down …. and finished getting the whole lot on paper!!
At first I looked at it all, the makings of three books in all…. all to be split and edited. My first reaction was ‘fucking hell’ …. the thought of the task ahead was going to be a time consuming twatting epic waste of time… who the fuck was going to read them anyway? It’ll never be worth publishing anything…. even if I could get ‘someone’ or anybleddyone to be remotely interested … or even afford to self publish…, after all my broken shoestring ain’t gonna stretch that fucking far!!!
So I left the whole shitload of spent rainforest on the table …. and sat down for a well deserved hit of caffeine…. looking at the whole wasted effort. Bollocksandarse…..
But…. and now I’m bleddy impressed with myself…. I practiced what I preach! I looked at the paper mountain in a different way!
Holy Mother of St Piran!! That pile was a tangible result of several years of emotional outpourings…. of memories…. and personal failures and triumphs. It’s my story …. I fucking wrote it!!! I began to look at it with some pride. I fucking did it!! I did what I set out to do…. and not just one book… but the makings of three!! How chuffing epic is that??
Ok, it still has a long way to go to be finished… but I now have the whole thing in my hands…. to work on in comfort, pages to turn, notes to make, as and whenever I want. Touchy feely proof of my efforts in life… I am bleddy proud of how far I have come…. I am achieving a dream.
Most of all… I am believing in myself… I won’t apologise for who or what I am anymore…..
The journey has been worth every single word like I fucking wrote!!
Another milestone has been reached …. dreams can come true.. may not be how I planned.. but plans are bleddy overrated anyway !!