So yesterday I did a table top sale in the local village hall. A waste of time for the most part. All I did was cover the cost of my table… hey ho … my bleddy tat was obviously not other people’s treasure.
But oddly enough it served a good purpose. I spent the time watching the community interact. There was lots of hugging, cheek kissing, smiles and laughter. The atmosphere was brilliant. It was lovely to watch … but I’m still not ready to be part of something bigger like that. I realised I still feel a bit vulnerable … a failure even. I know friends and family will think I’m nuts… as I’m a gobby old Bear who isn’t afraid to talk and chat about everything and nothing. But I still feel like the ‘needy’ friend…. mostly because of financial reasons.
There were a few things that happened over the last few days, that made me think hard about friendships… and how some people definitely come into your life for a purpose … and when done, just fade away. Through no other reason than how we all move on.
I have definitely been reducing my time spent on social media, not posting anywhere near the amount of drivel I usually do, and not commenting my ‘opinions’ so much on others either. I don’t think anyone has actually noticed … says it all eh? Though last night I did comment on a ‘Nostalgic’ post …. only to get shot down … by people much younger.. who’s memories don’t go back as far as mine… and who use the good old t’internet to get their ‘facts’. I won’t be doing that anymore. Made me feel a bit angry and a bit sad that people don’t actually bleddy ‘listen’. They only have capacity for their own opinions. Hey ho. I’ll just add the old nostalgic memories to my book.
At the sale, I had a table next to a lovely friendly lady, probably almost half my age. We got chatting and found out she’d only been living locally for about the same time as me. After a few people greeted me, she asked how I made friends. I was a bit taken back. What she had seen were people who were only acquaintances saying hello. So I explained a little of how I got to know them. Through neighbours, dog walking and volunteering in the RNLI shop. But none of the people I knew were friends as such…. This young lady was bright, bubbly and chatty to everyone. She even helped me to clear my table at the end of the sale and load my car. I was tempted to suggest meeting again.., but I didn’t… as I know I’m not ready to make any more friends as such.
A lot of people have come in and out of my life in the past, and many I still miss. Some have disappeared through my own neglect of their friendship, or circumstances which upset me, or them. The rest were through ‘natural wastage’…. not in a negative way either…, just lives moving on in different ways.
Then I watched a poignant film last night… about an unexpected friendship, through tragic circumstances. I know it was fiction… but the underlying story was a true reflection about how , at times, we cling onto someone, because we think they have the answers.
Finally, this morning, I saw a comment on one of my blogs … it got me to stir my stumps and take a long hard look at where I am at the moment…. and where I’m heading.
I decided I am doing ok … but like all my old school reports said ‘could do better’.
The irony is, that I’ve already started to address the issue… without that long hard look. Cutting down my time on social media. I have made baby steps to engage with my friends again. But now taking in my current situation…. that is with no fdcking money to get out and join in with the kind of stuff other people do … and as I did in my past life! I don’t have anything left in my ‘budget’ for socialising this year, due to over committing myself…. being the stupid old bugger I am….
I may be fdcking old … but still not a lot bleddy wiser!! But I’m still learning….
But friends are what keep me going. Those that have moved on … and those that are still around.
All were, and some are still here for a purpose…. for the good mostly.