Addictions aren’t always obvious…

This first few months of the year are bleddy draining. Because of the short days and fecking long nights. When your old and on your own like me, (despite the dumbfecker dog), your mind gremlins work overtime. The little b’stards do their best to stir the shit in your life pot. Because I reckon the mind squirrels depart to go on a well deserved break… leaving only a skeleton crew behind to deal with rampaging gremlins.

For those stumbling across this blog… Mind Gremlins are the negative evil b’stards that have an ‘ology’ in causing stress, anxiety, depression and even worse. The Brain Squirrels are like the musketeers of Cerebral World. Dashing about, trying to ferret out the little negative shits that cause untold harm. This is my way of dealing with this sort of crap. One of my ‘coping mechanisms’…..

I have been more than fortunate in finding ways to keep moving forward. I fecking point blank refuse to give into the forever stalking black dog of depression. I didn’t like what it did to me in the past, or all the people around me. I have been determined to keep my head above water. That does not mean I hide away, doing nothing. There isn’t a single physical or mental condition in the world that has been ‘cured’ in that way!!

We have to find ways of making sure that what we do is best for ourselves. And trust me, that ain’t fucking easy! Especially if you’re a walking human car crash like me….

I am a self confessed paradox. I like the real world, but also hate it. I like people, but can’t stand most of them. I love to challenge myself, but am one of the laziest lumps of lard around.

So for me, it’s about finding a balance…. and in truth, the scales have often been like a fecking turbo charged see saw…. such is the shit the brain squirrels have to deal with…. that’s why they told me to write it down, as another coping mechanism.

Oh… ‘the voices Esmeralda… the voices!!’ No apologies for the poetic licence… it just illustrates a point. We all have ‘voices’… it doesn’t mean we’re all as mad as a box of bleddy frogs…. it means we use the head we were given. I think for myself, for my own self preservation… because sure as hell, there isn’t one size fits all. We are all different. Unique. And need to treat ourselves as such.

Anyway… I fucking digressed again!!

I’ve needed to hibernate, being a Bear, it’s what I do …. but unfortunately I’m also a human… and unlike bears, I have to venture out in a regular basis for supplies. I’m too bleddy old and creaky to go a’huntin and a’gatherin… so have to take myself out into the real world. It’s not my favourite place… but as my favourite people also live in it, needs must to venture forth. I just have to get on with it!!

I love the virtual world… I can chose to engage…. or do I? The place is addictive! It has helped with the healing process of the shit I’ve had to deal with. It’s also often obstructed it’s progress too. Like everything in any world… there are opposites…. paradoxes!

So here I am hibernating in my world, whilst trying to understand the shit going on in the real world, using the virtual world, to bring the other worlds together.

When I sat back and looked at where my very depleted army of head squirrels were trying to lead me … I had the thought of the three worlds vying for balance… but let’s face it … have you ever seen a bleddy three armed seesaw??!!

So I had a rethink on balance …. and I eventually got it. (Took fucking long enough). For me to heal properly, to live and not exist, I need to balance the real world with my world … using the virtual world, as my pivot. But my pivot recently had been growing too big…. and not fit for purpose. It’s taken over. It’s ruling the fucking roost. It’s addictive!

I never thought I’d be one to fall foul of social media. I thought I only took what I needed from it…. but the b’stard keeps feeding me … it keeps feeding all of us! And a lot of it is mental junk food.

So I’m on a bit of a diet for the next month. Cutting down on engaging with my ‘feeder’. I’ve no idea how I will fare…. but I need to get back to thinking for myself, talking to real people! Not to a phone screen or a laptop….

On other words…. I’m heading out to scare the natives more often.

I’ll still be around the virtual world. But on my terms. This covert addiction is a b’stard. It’s the toy of the Brain Gremlins. And with the help of incoming Head Squirrels I will beat the arseholing addiction!!

Wish me luck!!

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