Self absorbed? Hmmm.

So… here’s the problem with being a bit of an amateur philosopher… it makes my bleddy brain hurt! I do aliken it to overthinking. Which to many people, is apparently a bad thing. But I’m not so sure. If you don’t think things out … then how will you ever learn things for yourself??

We get told so much crap… we get bombarded by the media with alarmist scenarios that I try to avoid following the Sheeples, and endeavour to find my own answers to whatever the daily ‘crisis’ is. But it does have its downsides… that fecking life innit?? I sure as hell don’t hold all the answers to what life chucks at me… but at times I’m ready with s bleddy baseball bat to lob the ‘problem’ right out of the field. At other times I take a direct hit and crumble for a while, nurse my bruises, then get back on the pitch.

I’m no different from anyone else. I’m the same complex bundle of living organisms, with chemicals and electric impulses whizzing around a now sadly ageing, and battle scarred torso.

I have been close to the edge of the dark abyss of depression many times. But I use my coping mechanisms to recognise the negative triggers that abound in my head… courtesy of those fdcking Brain Gremlins … but they are usually being challenged by the other team .. the Head Squirrels. So fortunately for most of the time I can maintain a mental health balance.

I’m one of the lucky ones.

I think I have more down times now, rather than sliding towards depression. I can cope. I DO put myself first. As there is no other fecker walking in my size sixes. My needs and worries are mine. At times they kick the shit out of me, and I will ask for help… more by ways of distracting me from my situation, than asking for direct help with my problem of the day.

The reason I don’t ask for help with the actual issue, is that they are personal to me, mostly of my own making, and often just in my own sodding head. What I do ask for is something to take my mind off it, just for a while. Until I can get back on track. It may just be a quick chat about something silly. Engaging in a conversation in a subject that interests me. Listening to some upbeat music in a pub. It doesn’t take too much.

But what I have been getting back at the moment, is other people’s ‘problems’. It’s been all about themselves. It’s not that I’m not interested, but I don’t need to replace my worries with someone else’s. But how do I get that across, without seeming like some uncaring , selfish, miserable shit??

It seems to me I need to search deep for another coping mechanism. I think people now see me as much stronger. And I truly am in many ways. I live simply, in a cosy cave, in Paradise. I have very few needs or wants. I have some niggles. And the Gremlins are currently having a feckkng field day with them… just itching to cause trouble. I think the Squirrels are having a bit of down time, as the balance ain’t quite right. I need to find the reserves to counteract the negativity creeping in.

Is this self absorption? Are my friends I seek distraction from my own problems being self absorbed? I don’t fecking know.

But I will continue to overthink the issue. It’s the only way I’ll find my new coping mechanism.

As I’ve said on many occasions… I know it’s ok, not to be ok… and I am sort of shuffling in the middle of that at the moment. One thing I do know is that I have learnt the lesson to keep on learning. Live evolves. Shit happens. I will never give in. I am no victim of mental health. I am a survivor!

So it’s time for me, and the reserve legion of Head Squirrels, to sally forth, and beat seven sorts of shit out of the b’stard Brain Gremlins .

I’ve already used one coping mechanism by getting it out of my head, and writing it down. I don’t give a shit if anyone else reads it! It’s about me. A baby step forward. My next one is distracting myself… without asking others. I can do this. I’ll go and sit on my big stone bench with pooch, and look at the sea

My spirits will lift immediately. I will gather my thoughts into a tidy manageable bundle. Another baby step. I’ll find something to do for the rest of the day that doesn’t add to my ‘niggle’. Including a bit of 6 Nations rugby I hope. Tomorrow will be a fun day of distractions… I will socialise, listen to jolly music, maybe watch some more young chaps throw an oval ball about … eat some good home cooked food, and move forward a few more baby steps.

The hopefully my head will then be balanced enough to become a good friend again, and see if I can cheer up others to help face their own ‘niggles’.

But in the meantime, I shall be self absorbed… as I think that is going to be my new coping mechanism.

I don’t want to discuss my ‘niggles’ … as they are unique to me, and will seem trivial in comparison to what many others are going through. By everyone’s own perceptions. So apologies if I offend anyone with my thoughts, that’s not the intention by any means.

It’s about survival of the fittest. And I’m not particularly fit…. I’m feckkng old, still fdcking battered and bruised, and fecking tired of not always being ‘ok’.

But that fecking life innit?? Especially if you have mental health problems … or in my case a history…as I have no intention of going back there!!

Every day a new day. Every day a new lesson. Every day a new beginning.

I fdcking hope so anyway.

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