A quick’ish one today…. as need to clear out some of the ‘sticky’ stuff in my head … that shit is gluing up my creative juices… and causing me to fall off some wagons again!
Emotions can be good and bad at the same time. *repeat the paradoxes*…. These few days are so charged with mixed memories, that I find it hard to keep any ‘stability’ in my thoughts.
Everything from births to deaths. House moves to being homeless. Accidents to relationship breakups. New beginnings following painful endings… business failure….and every fecking thing in between….
The one thing that’s constant is the ache I have. Not the physical or heartache pain anymore though. That shit has been dealt with. This is the mental pain. Brought to me by emotional abuse.
I have really good coping mechanisms … but at times like this… it can be feckkng overwhelming. This isn’t about one or even two things. It’s about a b’stard scrapheap of events. All happening over a period of a few days… spread over a decade or so.
It’s still a slow process of healing.
I WILL get there…. as I try to believe that everything serves a purpose …. Unfortunately, I find it very hard to believe that emotional abuse serves any purpose in life whatsoever.
When trying to deal with the ‘natural disasters’ of life …. like death, illness, accidents etc., being told (among many other things) to man up…. or just get on with it, everyone dies ….. or you’re useless and make too many mistakes …. or snap out of it, there’s work to do….. or you’re old and unattractive anyway …. or without some decent sex, everything else you do [or did] is pointless….. sticks around in your head for a very long time.
I’m still in the process of getting rid of that shit. I occasionally write those self destructing memories down, and burn them. Symbolic.. and at times useful. But periods like this… with so many different memories, suddenly slow up proceedings… it’s like trying to wade through black bleddy treacle….
For sure I am massively better. I like myself again. I live my life the way I want.
But occasionally, unpleasant emotions rear their fecking Medusan head. Though I no longer turn to stone at criticism… or being told what I need to do … but shit still sticks.
Emotional abuse ain’t smart or clever. Don’t use it … and don’t accept it. The cost is far too high.
I’m only human. I’m not perfect. And it’s ok not to feel ok. These mantras will keep me going.
With that, the Bear will retreat to her cave, have some more coffee, some mouseshit toast, and go back to contemplating the fecking fluff in her navel. Whilst waiting for the replacement wagon for her to fall off the next time….