That says it all. This weekend is a fecking mixed emotion drama zone… good ones and bad ones… some even at the same time! Paradoxes yet again run riot with my poor little brain cell.
One thing I have noticed as old age continues to trample it’s way over my life path… is that as some memories become more precious, others start to fade. Fortunately for me, it’s most of the good ones that are ‘improving’ with age…. some with heavy caveats attached …. and the negative b’stards are gradually getting less painful … with no caveats.
So here’s some attempt at an explanation….
Today is the anniversary of the death of one of my brothers. He was a bleddy loveable rascal and rogue of the first degree. He was the black sheep of the family …. I idolised him. Seven years older than me , and taken far too early at 56 years old … his demise was from cancer, with about 7 or 8 years of illness and pain. Yet rarely did he complain. He tried to make others feel comfortable being around him. I can not describe my grief when I knew he was dying… and I ‘hid’ myself away from him .. something I have had to live with… the consciousness of my cowardly attitude. At that point in my life, I hadn’t had to deal with shit like that … so I shied away from any responsibilities I should have had. But it was done, and there was feck all I could do to put it right. But now the memory of him is far from tarnished … I miss him, his chuckle, the endless supply of jokes and yarns he could spin… He was far from an angel… he wasn’t necessarily the best husband or dad… but none of us are perfect! *repeat*
But one thing his death taught me, was not to shy away from my responsibilities to illness. So I nursed both of my parents…. and held their hands as they passed away. No regrets. It wasn’t fucking easy!! Spending months watching them disappear from the shell of their bodies, wasn’t how I imagined pending death would be. It hit hard on both occasions… but now I know I don’t have a single reason to beat myself up about not doing the right thing.
Tomorrow would have been their wedding anniversary…. my brother died a day before their Diamond Anniversary. They never celebrated that one … or any more, as my dad died a few months later, with a broken heart … just a few days after my mum’s 80 birthday. Celebrations cancelled again.
The day after my parents wedding anniversary, is my wonderful niece’s birthday…. my departed brothers daughter … so for many years no celebrations there either.
Three days of thought provoking grief… and happiness… all at the same bleddy time! WTF!!
But nowadays it’s so different! The painful shite has been ‘deposited’ into my life compost bin… gradually crumbling and getting featured less and less in my memories.
I celebrate the good stuff. So my brother will be up there…. chuckling with my dad… both pissed as farts! My mum will be ‘tolerating’ them … inwardly smiling and loving the very bones of them …. whilst rattling her infernal bleddy aniseed balls around her mouth and teeth! They will all be celebrating my nieces birthday …. brother and dad needed no excuse to have a drink.. whilst mum needed no excuse to finish off the celebration trifle!
I’m sure my living brother and sister will remember it all in such different ways, as our roles in our family life were very different.
My role now is to be custodian of my happy memories…. yes I miss them! But in the happiest way, with happy tears.
Time is a healer… just not how I expected!
But then …. is anything as we expect??
Now there’s a thought!
Oh fuckkng hell… here I go again….