It’s the 14th of February! Oh look it’s Valentines Day! As if I didn’t bleddy know… the stuff has been in the shops since Christmas… and the media has been bombarding us, BIG time over the last few weeks… hardly likely to miss it are we? Though many will try their very best to ignore it, and hope it feckkng goes away…. for lots of differing reasons …
As I don’t really have a romantic bone in my body, for many years I tried to follow the hype. Declaring undying love… expensive presents… huge efforts to be seen as in love. Unfortunately, in my case a total waste of my time and money… hey ho.
I’m not going to criticise anyone who does it for the heartfelt love that they feel… or those that take the opportunity to declare their love. It’s just not my ‘vehicle’. Took me bleddy years to get that into my thick head…. but lessons learnt and all that.
But one thing today is, is a landmark day in the life of this life worn bear.
It’s a dear friend’s birthday… the one who gently nagged and cajoled me to give up smoking. Eventually I gave in, and as it was recommended to choose a ‘significant date’ to start… I chose her birthday. And I know I’ve told this story a few times, I shall repeat it, as I learnt a worthwhile lesson!
To help with the withdrawal I bought nicotine patches and gum (fdcking evil tasting stuff then) … I got ready in the morning, patch ready for application… then the doorbell rang… I quickly shoved the patch on and answered the door. Had my coffee… needed a fag… chewed the shit gum for about 30 seconds… spat it out.. swore like an angry pirate… had another coffee … and so the day progressed with that circle of action. But I made it through the day … me! Who had up to a 40 a day habit! Bleddy hell!! Though by the middle of the morning, I gave up the putrid gum, and chewed a couple of Tic Tacs… relying on the patch to do its work. And so to bed…. only to find the sodding patch stuck to the inside of the sleeve of my jumper. I’d only gone and put the bugger on the wrong way! So, in truth, it was as much use as tits on a fish! I realised that I had virtually done it on my own…. so I decided to see if I could do it again the next day.
Here I am 11 years later….. still a non smoker! A huge lesson was learnt… I was capable of doing anything… with a little help of a mindset.
Admittedly it has failed me on a few occasions… but I’m not particularly bothered … I CAN do anything if I really want to. Our sodding brains are a mystery at the best of times… but it can be used for as many positives as negatives. It’s our own choice.
Last night I went to bed pondering this lack of love issue.. and the beastly bleddy Brain Gremlins started their negative shit. Like how awful today was going to be…. Old. Single. Unloved.
‘What a load of bollocks’ came the cry from the marauding Head Squirrels… and a restless battle commenced! I reckoned on a long sleepless night.. “Joy” I thought. Then that sodding lightbulb moment happened. I started to use both the opposing sides as positives. Taking the good points and ditching the bad ones. Half an hour or so, of jotting down notes, I laid my head on the pillow… and was sleeping like a log! I got the Gremlins and Squirrels to shake hands…. the crap was out of my head and onto paper. Because, I’d ‘seen’ the Gremlins as cute challengers…. and the squirrels as the solution providers. I saw the positives. I was fdcking proud of myself when I woke up this morning.
So despite the negativity of this day … including the day 8 years ago , when I felt the hateful anger of the man I adored…. because he had someone feeding him snippets of a blog I had written about Valentines Day…. (he was dyslexic and couldn’t read) ..which he believed the cynical claptrap I wrote, was aimed at him. When in actual fact was the opposite. It was the beginning of an incredibly painful episode in my life.
But I got through! I survived!!
So today is a great Landmark Day for me. I may be old and single. But I have friends, family and even the odd admirer. (I use odd in a loosely humorous manner…. ) I have no one person to declare undying love for. I can only celebrate life itself.
Though I still very occasionally live in hope that Mr Right will come and sweep me off my feet… I’m only human after all. We all crave to be loved! But, the way the Bear is bleddy expanding … she suggests that they bring their own block and tackle for the lift.
In the meantime, spend the day loving yourself… if you don’t, then how can you expect someone else to love you!?