This is me. Screaming at myself … again!! Because there are some lessons I find so fecking hard to learn!!
I don’t bleddy care if I am ‘repeating’ myself … or if you’re bored as fuck with it… this is my bleddy blog, and I’ll write what I like! Because it’s my ‘therapy’.
At least that’s one sodding lesson I have learnt!!
In the past I have been known for my scheming and plotting, to make life a little less mundane. In general I have succeeded more than I have failed. I have had shitloads of fun! Unfortunately the failures fecking hurt. But me… being me….. thinks that perhaps if I try it again, with a few tweaks…. then I might succeed the next time. Always having the old adage pop up in my head … held up on a fucking big placard by some wayward brain gremlin… saying ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try try again’.
In my life it’s actually a cunning paradox, to justify any failure. Giving me licence to make the same general mistakes over and over again!
If something doesn’t work for me, it seems there is little point in my tweaking the b’stard to death, trying to make it work. Because there is usually an underlying issue.
Some lessons I have learnt, so I shouldn’t feel so shite.
I have learnt that I don’t have to be in a manipulative relationship, as that is abuse.
I have learnt that real friends don’t tell me what to do, or judge me…. but are just there.
I am (in general) happy with who I am. If I don’t like myself, how can I expect others to like me?
I do not need to ‘prove’ to anyone that I am ‘worthy’ of their friendship. I don’t like everyone, so don’t expect everyone to like me.
I have to look after myself first and foremost. As I am on my own, and want to live and not exist.
Keeping things simples is the key.
All sounds bleddy great. So why the fuck do I still need to learn lessons?
I have spent weeks stressing myself over a particular issue that has been happening in my life. I just haven’t been able to get to grips with it…. it’s a problem that I seem to have the greatest difficulty with.
Firstly because of my innate ability to plot and scheme to get something done.
Secondly because I am shite at financial responsibility.
Thirdly because I trust people (even friends) more than I trust myself.
Fourthly put them together and I’m screwed again. This is my sodding problem….
Ffs! I need to get a fucking grip on this…
Then, suddenly in the dark hours, came the lightbulb moment! The epiphany! That fucking huge learning curve!
My problem is trusting myself. I am my own worst enemy… always have been. Like everyone I have doubts. Loads of the buggers. Most I can deal with quite easily by the lessons I have already learnt.
This one is an almighty ‘sticker’. A body sucking, brain stealing b’stard.
So in that lightbulb moment, I realised that I don’t trust myself enough…. and let others ‘encourage’ me to get what I want. No matter what.
So the lesson for me is…. that if things don’t feel right, if it is uncomfortable, if it starts a cycle of stress or anxiety …. then STOP. It will only end in tears. And it fucking did! AGAIN.
I may be sodding old … and even a little bit bleddy wiser … but lessons are still there to be learnt.
I have found a way around my current issue. It’s going to be a change in lifestyle yet again. But I can deal with that. A sodding hoooge tourniquet has been applied to my finances. The gastric band has been tightened on my social activities. But it will only be temporary.
I can only hope in the year 2020 that my vision on life will be equally balanced.
There are times when I fucking piss myself off ! No bleddy help required.