Oh yes indeedy…. I may be counting down to another decade in my dotage, but trust me, I am always bleddy learning….
Life will continue to throw curved balls at you when you least expect it. Sometimes these fecking balls are slow, heavy, flatten and knock the sodding stuffing out of you…. whilst others as small, fast and sting you like you’ve fallen in a bed of bleddy nettles……
One of those small little b’stards came my way recently…. followed on by an onslaught of ball bearings, just when I least expected it. Duh…. but that’s when these curved balls strike innit? When you focus is on something else, which is usually the ‘job in hand’ so to speak…..
So what happened was….
****WARNING***** This is a long bleddy blog….
My little buddy was booked to go on a well deserved holiday with her sister. It’s not easy for her to take a break, as not only does she have dogs, but she has a Cattery to run…. now that is a 24/7/365 job….. It would be easy to say just put the dogs in kennels and shut up for a week, but it doesn’t and cant, work like that. As for the dogs, one is elderly, diabetic, going blind, with other health problems, including getting disorientated. She’s never been in kennels, so that ain’t a fecking option. The other is younger and hyper…. rescued from a puppy farm, and has some security and trust issues…. only ‘rescued’ pet owners will understand those issues…. you can’t shove that little mutt into a kennel either…. so a dog sitter is required. Their home, and the cattery is combined. And cats and their owners, don’t conveniently ‘fit in’ to weekly stays…. some are weekenders, others are long term residents for various reasons. Therefore, it requires a full time ‘carer’ for their needs, like feeding, medicating, cleaning shitty kitty trays, fielding enquiries and viewings, and as with any cat owner, pandering to their every need. So for my little buddy to get a break, she calls on me, the General Dog/Catsbody.
When I was homeless and bankrupt, this special little buddy gave me a roof over my head…. I’m hardly going to say no am I? I owe her a huge debt. In the six months I was there, I wasn’t idle, I made use of my time, helping her to get the business back on it’s feet, after a disastrous ‘episode’ in her life. In a way, it was productive and therapeutic for both of us. But that doesn’t reduce the debt that I owe her. I ‘work’ for her as often as I can…. mostly by cleaning and painting the cattery, which is like the fecking Forth Bridge…. it’s never ending. So, I can voluntarily ‘work’ flexible hours. I refuse to take any payment…. but in her words, she doesn’t want to be seen to be ‘taking the piss’ of cheap labour. So we came to an agreement that I could ‘earn’ some credit in lieu of any unexpected, or required expense that I would find difficult to afford. Some people know I am living on a state pension, and a pension credit…. nothing else. So for my ‘new’ audience, it’s a little general information that my bankruptcy means I lost every fecking penny I had….. there is no other income for me…. It’s a paltry amount by today’s standards…. even with the ‘benefits’ that I get (though actually earned after 50 years of employment/self employment)…. it is actually below the fecking government ‘poverty level’! B’stard cheating robbing successive governments regardless of political party…. Ok I am digressing again…..
So….. back to my sodding stinging curved balls….
Now I am currently in more debt to her, as I readily agreed to her holiday break, because I am saving to get some secure fencing to keep my mutt from attempting escape through my current flimsy efforts. They have served the purpose, but after 18 months they are rotting and slowly falling apart…. and I have been more than worried she’ll get out, follow her bleddy Beagley nose and disappear…. or worse. So the house/dog/cattery sitting for 9 days would nicely fit into the ‘credit coffers’. Now….. my little buddy, in her infinite wisdom, thought it would be a great idea for me to have the new solid fencing done whilst the Houdini Mutt and I weren’t at home…. and arranged for it to be installed! Shit that worried me, and gave me sleepless nights, as I hadn’t ‘earned’ anywhere near enough to pay for it. We had several conversations about it, but being the stubborn kind of moo that she is, she made sure the job would done…… ready for the Spring, and allow me the time to make it look good for the summer, and get the security and peace of mind I needed. So I gratefully accepted the situation…. knowing I have to work my sagging arse off for the next year to ‘pay’ for it. (And hoping no unexpected expenses crop up in the meantime!)
So off we trot to the door, to send her off onto her holiday…. she was about to leave….. when the fecking b’stard sodding stinging curved ball hit!! I had a blubbing mini melt down. (Most close friends know that whilst I appear a strong, loud, eccentric, gobby old bird…. I can cry at a sodding torn tissue…. I’ve given up trying to control it. That’s just me and how I am). But it wasn’t about the fond farewell to my little buddy…. it was the pain I felt …. at missing out on my own bleddy holidays…. In my previous life, I was always off somewhere every few months…. cruises, sun/beach holidays, travelling around the country seeing family and friends….. Now all gone…. if I can’t use my bus pass, or avail myself of my couple of gallons of diesel I budget for each week…. then trips away, likewise general socialising is a no no! Like so many things, at odd times…. they come back to sink their sharp teeth into your saggy arse, and cause momentary pain…. That sudden pang of jealousy about going on holiday, hit me with the sting of a bleddy dominatrix cracking her whip! My good buddy didn’t deserve to head off worrying that she had upset me because of her well deserved holiday. I seriously felt like shite! It wasn’t intentional in any way. I was more than happy to be able to help…. despite silly early mornings, ‘pining’ dogs…. and shitty kitty trays….. I find it difficult to repay my debt for how much I appreciate having such a great friend. I was focusing on getting the amount of work I needed to do to cover the cost of the fence…. that I didn’t see that fecking curved ball coming….if I hadn’t had that…. would I have realised how much I miss holidaying/visiting before??…. I would have told her that I was jealous as fire…. even able to make light fun of it. Nope… instead of that, I right royally screwed up!! Doh…. what a twat…. but I apologised later…. and she understood…. as always. What a fine friend she is…. though she thinks it works both ways, for me the scales are not balanced….
I can only hope that one fucking day I will balance it!!
But in the meantime, I have learnt another lesson…. to (once again) to stop focusing on one thing, and look at what else is happening , and try and avoid those stupid situations arising. I must keep checking that I am more in control of my emotions…. that doesn’t mean suppressing them, but facing them head on….. I recently dealt with the lack of a social life where cost is concerned… I thought I had a ‘handle’ on holidays…. as I am currently saving some money each month, like my life bleddy depended on it, to go away on a cruise for my ‘BIG‘ birthday at the end of the year…. but obviously not…. as I just got reminded of how my life has been curtailed by my own choices. I am reminded (oh yes again!!) to practice what I preach….. my choices, my decisions, my responsibility to deal with them. Not to make them other people’s problems…..doh!!
So the 9 days passed with dog/house sitting. Working for a ‘living’ and, yet again, getting on with dealing with my past failures, that the following b’stard curved ball bearings kept chucking at me….. it was often painful…. but then…..other things came into play that made me chuck those feckers right back where they came from….. Learning that my friend and my grandson had suddenly lost their dad/grandad, through illnesses they knew nothing about. Then getting in touch with my adored personal hero, who has been constantly fighting terminal cancer, and the looming anniversary of his son’s suicide, as well as dealing with his broken relationship, and is now struggling with constant pain and medications, despite a recent procedure to ease the discomfort. All of which make my ‘problems’ so fecking trivial, I gave myself a massive talking to…. hauled up my big knickers, climbed back on my virtual charger,
So, once again made myself appreciate everything I still have…. I have more than most…. and none of it costs very much. People pay shitloads of money to visit where I live, I have a really cosy roof over my head, food, and occasionally wine…. (some ‘luxuries’ are not fucking negotiable….!) I have reasonable health, and great family and friends.
The PITY PARTY has ended…. I won’t guarantee that, at some point in the future, I shall feel hard done by again ….. its a human trait…. and even saggy old Bears suffer from it….. but I would much rather have the fun of a learning curve…. than those b’stard balls….
Remember it’s ok not to feel ok…. but others are often fighting bigger battles… that’s how you learn to feel ok again
All fenced in and now ready for the next lesson….