Oh my ‘memories’ are working overtime again… I read one that made my bleddy teeth itch. (I love that expression …. it covers all sorts of negative feelings, from pain to embarrassment to indignation, to irritation … all for starters)…. the memory involved my past obsession with material goods…. How things have sodding changed. Drastically.
Without going into details, because I’d repeat myself yet again …. my ‘fortunes’ have changed by a humongous amount. Through several different circumstances, and mostly by my own choices… some of which were definitely the right ones …. and others certainly the most stooooopid and disastrous decisions ever! But lessons have been learnt. Big time.
I have learnt, that in my ‘old’ age, I have to try and deal with one issue at a time. My poor little grey cell has weakened powers nowadays, and is unable to deal with the multiplying gremlins and squirrels that seem to occupy the space in my head. B’stards. So it’s got to be a case of focussing on one thing at a time.
My sense of humour fortunately appears to be untouched by much, as it’s a childish escape from the shit that life throws at me, from time to time, I am grateful that it seems unaffected by age, gremlins or squirrels….
I’ll be totally honest, there isn’t too much I worry about now. Yes, I can get pissed off with life, like everyone else! I can moan for bleddy England. After all, I’m as human *cough* and as normal *splutter*, as the next person. There are some things I’d like in life, but unlikely to get …. but they are not essential for my day to day happiness.
The one thing that really stresses me out is money. Unfortunately that bleddy stuff is up there with oxygen for living. Don’t get me wrong, I get by. But I am very restricted in what I do, therefore my life has changed beyond recognition to anything that I have ever done previously in my whole life! And I’ll be blunt… it occasionally fucking sucks!! But I am really not complaining! It’s not about ‘poor me’ …. it’s about learning to cope with something new in my advancing years….
This year sees another fecking milestone birthday. I am scraping and saving to make it a special one, with a holiday. It’s taking every spare (hah!) penny I’ve got …. but then, I’ve also committed myself to the expense of ‘dog proofing’ the garden, for my own peace of mind… because one thing I can’t do, is lose my constant dumbfecker companion, due to my own personal ‘wants’. She is my lifesaver in so many ways. A friend who gives me unconditional love. A clown who makes me laugh. A reason to get out to see the beauty in our world…. Need I say more??
Somehow, I’m finding ways to afford these things …. with help bartering my labour (while I can) for money held in a ‘kitty’…. Fortunately for me, I’m able to be flexible on times, and when my stupid failing physical abilities allow. So it’s works for now.
The one other treat I’m allowing myself this year, is to go and see one of my absolutely favourite poet/performer in action! And he is appearing locally… it’s affordable, if I forfeit some ‘treat money’ … so I’m over the moon. It’s be worth going without wine for a week or so!! Yes I really wrote that for all to see…. I CAN go teetotal for the best reasons!
This year’s budget is now set in stone… no other fucking ‘luxuries’ for the next year! I am learning to cope with it. It’s a hard b’stard lesson… trust me. Next year I’m going to be keeping it much simpler!
I suppose I could try and find a paid job… but I have already worked sodding hard for well over 50 years, and if I can manage now, while I’m able to enjoy life a little, then I’m buggered if I will return to the working rat race. And who the fuck wants to employ an eccentric, gobby 69 year old Bear?? (Nobody I hope!!)
What I suppose I am trying to portray, is that regardless of setbacks in our lives, there is always a way to push forward, as long as you are willing to embrace the changes, and not regard them as reasons to be holding a self pitying party…..
Getting old fucking sucks. But I’m taking the opportunity of the time I have to sit and watch the world, reflect and generally make observations, to learn … I wonder who coined the phrase “You are never to old to learn”?! Because it’s bleddy true!
A lovely friend of mine, with his wife, have a nursery school called ‘Knowing and Growing’… isn’t that a great name to start children on their life’s journey?? I reckon they should have a similar one for us ‘wrinklies’ …. because it’s never to late!!
Heading off to count my remaining pennies to see if wine is on the menu this weekend…. feeling a lot better that the ‘issue’ is off my sagging chest…. and if the bleddy body would like to catch up with the rest of me, I’d be very fecking grateful!