Oh hell yes….. probably more than my fair share….. oh but hang on…. what is a fair share??
Come to that, what is fair about life… or anything? We all have our own ideas, and it comes from our own perceptions. The most difficult issue, is how we perceive ourselves! It very often differs a good deal from how others perceive us!
I have struggled with this phenomena for fecking years…. I find it bleddy hard to understand that I am seen as strong… when I see myself as a quivering wuss . I am told I can be an inspiration… when I think of myself as a bad example. That I am funny …. but I’m peculiar!
Blimey O’Reilly, it’s bleddy confusing!! I have spent a small lifetime beating myself up over my ‘failures’ …. and it’s only recently I realise that those failures are part of who I am. I am beginning to accept it. But it’s fdcking hard at times. Especially, as today is an ‘anniversary’ of the end of one of my most epic, and public failures!
So why do I put these things out there? I ask myself this so many bleddy times, that I feel it’s like Groundhog Day. I am supposing it’s a form of beating myself up, self flagellation for the masses to enjoy. But in my poor little gremlin/squirrel riddled head, I’d like to think that it may give hope to someone who is struggling with making a mistake, that it’s ok! We all make bleddy mistakes.
(Maybe some folk really believe they are right in everything they do. I feel a little sorry for them… because what have they actually learnt about life??)
I don’t ”celebrate’ my failures…. there’s too many of those feckers anyway… but I do use them as ‘markers’ on my life journey… some bleddy hard lessons have been learnt … but I am grateful for them.
I get through every day with baby steps. I stumble, I fall flat on my face, or on my saggy arse. But I get up each time. Determined to take another step!
So I will agree with the perceptions of some, that I am determined! That’s something I can grab onto whilst I move forward! My safety handrail on life’s journey….
Not one of us knows what the future has in store for us! It’s an adventure yet to unfold.
I just hope mine is just another coffee, and a walk for now….. and not another bleddy epic failure! I don’t have the stamina for that sort of adventure anymore.. as my personal self flagellation whip and sackcloth and ashes are fucking worn out!
Bear 🐻 xxxx
At least I’ve done ‘stuff’ …. therefore I’m having a useful life…. because apparently the great man said so 😊