Everybody needs a hero…

… and I have plenty… apart from the usual hero worship of ‘ unobtainable’ people… (among them are many writers, philosophers and raconteurs…. to whose dizzy heights of reverence I can only aspire to in my head!) …. I also have some very dear friends who make me feel extremely humble, and I class many of them MY heroes….

From those who have suffered life changing illnesses and continue to live their lives to the fullest way that they can… to those who have had gut wrenching losses of children, who had succumbed to the black dog of depression. Then there are those who have overcome massive challenges in their chosen careers, those that have maintained happy relationships for many decades, and those that remain upbeat no matter what seems to challenge them. (How the fuck do they do that?)

When I look at that list…. the upside of it is that I’m proud to be part of their lives. The downside is that I can chart my failures by their successes. Note: this is my perception… not how you see me.

For me, trying to keep to the positives is sometimes frcking challenging … as the past few weeks have been. It will seems a trivial matter for most people, but my dumbass pooch is my world… always there with unconditional love. To snuggle up to when the world seems ‘against’ me. Now she has a condition, which although ‘temporary’ is taking what seems a lifetime to put right …. drained my meagre finances and put me into debt. My worst chuffing nightmare. I’m not so bothered about being confined to barracks because of my financial issues, as I will survive that reasonably well … I’ve [personally] been through a lot worse in my time… even when I had money. That’s been charted and I’ve no need to revisit that…. but nonetheless some days I’m not particularly ok…. and I know better than most that it’s ok not to be ok … but it is bleddy wearing. I’m exhausted.

So I mentally turn to my heroes, to reassure me that I’m doing ok. Most of them have busy and full lives, and I understand that they can’t always be at hand, and I am the sort of person who won’t ‘intrude’ … it’s the way I am… it’s taken me almost 70 years to get this way… and I ain’t chuffing well changing now! I adapt. I appreciate time people take for me. I get on with things as best as I can. I will ask for help if I’m desperate… but only if I’m desperate… I have no wish to be the needy friend… as in my past I’ve had plenty of those … and it becomes toxic. Same as the moaning Minnie…. I have to work bleddy hard not to be that… as I can easily slip into that mode.

So I have to kick my own arse hard at times. But more and more I realise that apart from myself and pooch, there is definitely one constant hero in my life.

My wonderful Mum.

She doesn’t have an entry in any Who’s Who…. or Wikipedia…. she didn’t set the world on fire in any particular field …. except being my mum. My best friend. My fount of knowledge. My inspiration. She was popular, but knew she wasn’t everybody’s cup of tea, it never bothered her, as she always said that she didn’t like everybody either. Good point. She accepted quite easily that everyone had a right to an opinion, but she had a right to hers too.

An aside … The classic always being “Margaret Thatcher? … Silly bleddy bitch!” … no one would ever sway her either.. no matter where her name/picture appeared … those three words were guaranteed to be uttered.

She would help anyone as long as it was appreciated and not taken advantage of. She loved to learn new things every day. She never had a lot out of life … but whilst sometimes a bit miffed about it, she never took the poor me stance. She had grounded common sense. (A rarity nowadays I reckon). She had a moral ethic, respect for everyone .. even the people she positively disliked, as she said they had as much right to do things the way they wanted as she did .. so even though she hated Thatcher with every ounce of her being… she respected that “she had more balls than the chinless wonders that surrounded her” …

I wasn’t always aware of how wise she was… until looking back, with wonderful hindsight, I realise that those things ‘drip fed’ into my psyche … and it wasn’t until the last 20 odd years, and particularly after she died, that I appreciated her influence. I am blessed for that…. many people I know never really got that opportunity… due to many different reasons.

Nowadays I usually look in the mirror and see my Mum… we have conversations… we laugh… we cry … we solve things together.

In the last few weeks I’ve rather neglected her… so wrapped up in my own problems. But I reckon that overnight she gave me a subliminal good talking to. I woke this morning stepping into her shoes again …. before I knew it, I was singing a stupid made up ditty, in the style of Joan Sutherland… I misquoted poetry at the dog… poked my teeth with a toothpick before brushing ….and then brushed my hair, with a final flourish of the hairbrush being thrown on the shelf with a “that’ll do” … putting on face cream with reminder to “moisturise dear … moisturise!”

Dear Mum has come to save the day … my hero! I know will get through this shite state of affairs. I always do. I’m a survivor.

My message is that if you’re struggling today … remember you are your own hero first and foremost… but you must chose who lives in your head! And then there will always be hero who will help somewhere in there.

Thanks Mum. Love and miss you always… thanks for the mental arse kick xxxx

Keep on keeping on….

In truth we rarely stay exactly where we are… though sometimes it doesn’t bleddy feel like it! At times we feel as though we are swimming against the tide, whilst trying to nail jelly to the sodding wall..

This has been my last month. It’s draining. I feel at times that I’m trapped in a vicious circle and going nowhere fast. It’s not life threatening or serious in any way …, because it’s my personal issue. I have to deal with it. Without a small stroke of good fortune, it’s unlikely to get ‘fixed’ in any way. So I have to constantly be creative in dealing with the crap life still occasionally chucks at me.

So today is the ideal opportunity to adjust my thinking. It’s a Sunday… and the first day of a new month. It’s time for a quick review of the last month, picking out the good stuff, and realising that it wasn’t that bleddy bad. But, as always the shit stuff stinks the most….

So what’s new about that?? Absolutely bugger all.. it’s the same for each and every one of us. We all have our challenges at different points in our lives. Some are much more serious than others. Some may seem ridiculously trivial to those who are maybe in a plateau of a quiet life. But it doesn’t alter the fact that they are personal mountains we all have to climb to reach that plateau …. then something or some fecker upsets the sodding apple cart, and the whole uphill challenge starts again.

Buggerations….

But it’s great to find a window of opportunity, to look how to find the easiest route forward. And the easiest way is straight in front of you. With one step. It doesn’t matter a bleddy jot if it does nothing to solve your ‘problem’… it’s often a small distraction that can help to put things into a different perspective. It’s more about how you handle the situation you find yourself in, than the actual solving.

Yep … that sounds weird.. but life is like that. Often solutions come from a totally direction than you expected. It doesn’t mean you have to forget the route you are taking… it just means that you need to cast your eyes, and ears, around you for a distraction or an opportunity to change your thinking.

We almost all wing our way through life. Because plans are vastly overrated, though we hate to admit that shit happens… often by our own mistakes. (Or maybe that’s just me πŸ€”)

But today gives most people a chance to make a little effort and find what they want for the next new week and new month. The main thing is to make it move on a bit, keep on keeping on, taking a step in a forward direction, even if your not sure where you are going!

No point in stagnation.. the shit will always be there …. it is only the sodding depth that changes.

Today’s blog is brought to you by the School of Hard Knocks

Not my bleddy circus ….

Never actually been a fan of the circus anyway … and some people think that is odd … but why should it be? It’s all down to personal taste anyway.

It’s funny that we all have our own likes and dislikes … and in general we accept that. But having differing opinions is another bleddy matter.

I’ve been mulling this bugger over for a very long time. I’ve amused myself, got impatient with myself (and others), and drawn my own conclusions, so I need to put this bit of shite to bed…. it taken up too much of my precious time to be as lazy as fuck.

We often protest, and get offended, if someone says we are prejudiced or judgmental…. but I don’t really think there is a person alive (or dead) who isn’t either of those in some way. People through history, especially those who have done great things, have been judgemental about others who don’t see their way as the right way. What about Farraday and Tesla for instance? …. (Cue Googling) ….

There has been prejudice with race, religion, politics etc., we stick our hands up in horror about human and environmental atrocities… but often do very little to personally address the problems… because of our own personal circumstances…. and what box we fit into.

So…. (that’ll piss at least one person off – no offence boy) … we are all probably critical of most frcking things under the sun, especially if they don’t fit with own perceptions…..

I noticed recently how people, (definitely including myself!) get annoyed by various ‘trivialities’ … and put up a post on social media, usually starting with …”Why do people….?” In my case it’s grammatical issues… ie. draws instead of drawers. Ffs it’s not frcking rocket science!! Though in truth for some people it is! I should know this very well… once being married to a severe dyslexic, with his mum and son similarly affected. (It really can be genetic in some cases). The oh … up goes the cry … “use predictive text!” …. well for the average dyslexic, that’s as much use as tits on a fish …. unless you can identify the meaning (some will then say “look it up??” Now that’s just being plain bleddy silly!) Some affected folk can sound out a word… and what does drawers generally sound like?? Then there’s ‘there, their and they’re’… so I’m guilty of compartmentalising, criticising and judging people … even though I should know better! I’m as big a chuffing hypocrite as the next person.

I was really amused recently when a lovely young friend, queried why people asked really simple questions, that can easily be found out by a bit of easy research. The most responses were that people are generally too lazy to look. My bleddy hand shot up! As I am lazy a fuck… though (in my defence 🀣) I tend to be a bit cryptic or tongue in cheek about some of my questions… just to spark a debate … and to wait and see how many reply with a copy and paste from some search engine. Which usually ignites the good old competitiveness…. that ‘my answer is better than your answer!’ Which in turn fuels my curiosity …. and my opinion that Mr Google really don’t have the definitive answer to everything. Nor does Alexa, or Siri or or or ….. (we all know that Wikipedia can be edited by almost anyone to ‘correct’ us …. don’t we?? πŸ˜πŸ™„πŸ€”) … Therefore, to a degree, I can accept laziness as a reason. Why do something you can’t be arsed to do, when someone else is more than willing to either show how helpful…. or clever they are. Fine by me.

But the best response was attention seeking! I personally don’t get this one … if I wanted to seek attention, I’d make sure it was something that would really get people to do a “WTF?” ….. Like “Where’s the best place to take off all my clothes for a refreshing open air streak?”…. (No … I don’t have any bleddy intention of scaring the natives anymore than I do already) … but hopefully you get my drift, without elaborating…

Once again it’s all in our own perception of how people should act. We make assumptions that most people have the same capabilities as our own. And that’s despite knowing better! We compartmentalise people much more than we realise. It’s how life is. And always has been as far as I can see…. with all my hours of sitting on my saggy arse researching a myriad of trivialities (fetish tendencies was one of my favourites by the way πŸ€“) … That’s when I can be bothered of course …. or I simply asked the question… and let others do the work for me … yep I’m bleddy lazy … but, being the frequently reclusive Bear that I am…. attention seeking doesn’t apply … I don’t (can’t and won’t) fit into that frcking box …

Am I bothered now? Nope… not now… dealt with that … moving onto the next life conundrum… or maybe a coffee … or a bit of nappage. All I’ve done is emptied out the head a bit. Bleddy ansum job done. My flying fuck has been appeased ….

Today I am old…

You are as old as you feel …. how many times do we get told this? And to a degree it’s right … but our bleddy bodies have their own agenda … it ages without our permission… it deteriorates constantly. B’stard….

Yesterday was a funny old day… and I’ve got to get the thoughts that are whizzing around my head out … to look at them objectively… and without the help of the squirrels and gremlins that pitch headlong into battle in my emotional minefield.

So in the words of my ‘mate’ Jethro …. ‘What happened was…..’

…… a series of memories were stirred, initiated by other people on social media…. which I have been spending a bit more time on, because of ‘nursing’ a poorly pooch …. or actually standing guard over her to stop her doing any more bleddy damage to a very poorly paw…. or chew her fecking way out of her Cone of Shame… hence duct tape πŸ™„

These memories were random …. an old school photo from over 60 years ago, with my sister in… some stuff about the changes in the seaside village, where I grew up half a century ago …. photos of a pantomime group that I eventually took over 30 years ago …. friends and events from my Garage Theatre days 15 years ago …. a family wedding at a very difficult time 6 years ago …. as well as overhearing a conversation about the difficulties that the pub trade are facing (and don’t I know it! 3 years ago) …. then a wonderful phone call from a very special person who is my hero, and will live in my heart always…. these all added up to memories of the stages in my life being tossed around.

My dear old mum use to say “We have more stages than Wells Fargo”…. (one for the oldies) …. and it’s true. Our lives takes twists and turns …. some that we have little control over… but many more are by our own choices. My record hasn’t been that different from anyone else’s … but when I make a bad choice … I am frcking epic at it! At least I am able to accept that better now. It’s made me who I am. As does everyone’s past. You can’t change things, so you can’t regret any of it either.

What has made me a little sad, is the time it has taken to realise that I am now a bit too long in the tooth, and definitely a bit too damaged… to make many changes from where I am now. It certainly wasn’t where I expected to be …. and I don’t think many of us can say we are…. too many outside influences determine our paths in life.

I’m certainly not complaining…. I love where I am in life at the moment …. I’m happier than I’ve been for many years. But… and there’s always the BUT…. there are things missing that are unlikely ever to happen now. Some because of this physical old age …. I can no longer run or swim, even my walkies are no longer counted in hours and miles …. despite regularly getting out at least twice a day. It’s sometimes disappointing to realise I need to head for home, or I will suffer later on.

Neither will I find that love some people have been lucky enough to have (sometimes more than once) in their lives…. my poor old heart is far too battered and bruised to maintain any close relationship … I have so much love for many people… but it’s extremely unlikely I will ever want to give my heart away again …..

I am constantly learning to live with the choices I actually made …. what it seems is that it’s harder to live with the ones I didn’t make …. the last 10 or so years I haven’t toyed with the ‘what ifs’…. (after hearing my mother, not long before she died, wishing she had done so many things that were well within her grasp). I discounted the ‘what ifs’ and gone ahead and done things I wanted to do …. with some really excellent results and some equally disastrous ones!

Previous to that, I had my own opportunities, which I chose not to pursue…. mainly because of the objections from others, or for the sake of proprietary …. in truth I should have put my happiness first! But hey ho … most of those things cannot be changed.. there is little point in trying to turn the clock back when you are no longer physically or emotionally capable.

Recovery from any trauma takes time… in our OWN time … no matter how much advice we are given, no matter how much encouragement we get… all of that helps… but in truth we are our own healers.

I realise that it may all sound a load of bollocks … but this is for me … it’s my life’s spreadsheet …. my progress has to be at my own pace … step by step. It’s clear to me that some areas of my life will always be lacking …. because I’m not prepared to take … or be… second choice for anything or anybody.

I’m probably shooting myself in the foot, but ….

1) I can’t see my foot without bleddy glasses

2) I’ve not got the physical strength to pull the sodding trigger

3) I have a very low pain threshold now …. old age has taken over ….

So today I am fecking old.

Hey ho … such is life … and at least I’m here to live it …. and happy with that.

In the meantime … 🎡one more step along the road I go 🎢 on my own journey with a clearer head now πŸ€“

What do I know?

Reckon bugger all…. and everything. Oh the paradox! We all know that for every positive there is a negative.

Science constantly endorses that… in every field… it still bleddy amazes me that many ‘cures’ are based on toxic substances …. how the hell does that work?? (No please don’t bother to try and explain….I’ll remain happy in my ignorance and stay in awe!)

Social media, where it seems that so many people live their lives nowadays …. is constantly saturated with positive mental attitude ‘memes’ …. these are great… or are they?

Back in the 90’s I read dozens of books promoting ‘positive affirmations’… from Napoleon Hill to Dale Carnegie and Susan Jeffers. I read them as a way to help build a business. To a degree I reckon I got obsessed by them…… believing my life would never be happy, or complete, without practicing positivity….

Guess what? My life still fucked up.

Yep. I helped to build that business… only for it to be taken away by someone who never read those books (in fact that happened twice! πŸ˜³πŸ™„ … some lessons are harder to learn than others it seems). But my positive attitude certainly helped with the fallouts that ensued… but it wasn’t able to stop shit happening!

Mental health issues seem to be at the forefront of today’s modern society…. it is a very sad fact that suicides are increasing. I have my own personal philosophies on this…. having been suicidal myself, in the dark and (thankfully) distant past…. but for respect to those who have lost loved ones who took their own lives… I’m not going to publicly spout them. Because despite the fact my thoughts would ring true for some… they would upset others.

Though saying that, I do wonder, as a generalisation, if this is affected by the current obsession with creating a perfect life. Well let’s just all accept once and for all that there is no such sodding thing!! Realising that shit will always happen, and that it’s how we deal with it is the key. Using the positive mental attitude sure helps.. as long as you choose the right ones. But how the hell do we know which are the right ones?? How do you decide whether ‘to keep your own council’ … or ‘to share a problem is a problem halved’. Do you ‘think things through’ or ‘try not to overthink’?!

I can’t answer that. Because one size doesn’t fit all …. we are all unique and our needs are as individual as we are …

My life is [almost!] as good as it gets. It sure ain’t perfect … I still have to fight my demons …. though they are a lot less challenging than they have been in the past … but the buggers are still there! It’s a fact that my life would not suit everyone…. for some it would even be a fecking nightmare!

BUT (oh yes here’s the BUT) I am still learning my lessons. I am learning them for me. I know what I don’t want….. and I know what I do want …. and occasionally it causes problems … or let’s say ‘you have to break eggs to make an omelette’. 😁

I can chuck more idioms and cliches at you than you can shake a stick at. (And I have even discovered the difference between them … not that it really matters a bleddy jot).

As life will always happenand life will often get in the way….

Confused? I’ll get me coat … though that would be silly as it’s so warm …. that’s life eh?

Off to do some blue sky thinking…. have a great day 😎

I’m packed and ready to board the handcart to hell!

I’m going to be shot down in flames from every direction…. I can feel in in me bleddy water πŸ˜†…. but today I have seen so much shit on social media … I’m convinced that sheeples are breeding faster than I can fecking count.

I make no apologies to friends who ‘believe’ in this crap … I know it’s definitely perpetuated in all innocence…. as so many intelligent individuals are being brainwashed into thinking everything they read in the media has to be true…. because they are too busy trying to conform, that they don’t think it through. As for researching this sort of crap… you can always find the justification you search for…. someone else will have put it out there that your fears are founded….

SO….(bet someone’s grammar teeth are itching.. eh John? πŸ˜†) … are we all really that naive to think we can protect all of our personal data? Tell that to the the various government agencies, that asks us for shitloads of information, before accepting us to get a single national insurance number/passport/driving licence/state pension/benefits/doctor/dentist/voting rights/….. blah di blah… oh and then the private sector …. insurances for every bleddy part of living our lives… bank accounts …. credit agreements of any sort and so on … ad infinitum…. Did you know that their systems can be infiltrated? …. There have been many well reported (read sensationalised) occasions where it’s happened… if you chose to believe them that is πŸ€”πŸ˜†

Most want to know the measurements of our ever increasing knicker size …. or if you’ve got piles or a food intolerance….

Today the cry goes up about an app to see what we will look like as an old person… (as I’m already there it’s wasted on me …..) even the grand ol’ Daily Mail is on that wagon! ‘The app will have access to all your photos and information’ … oh my days …. the fear kicks in. Now excuse me for being ignorant… but how many people who subscribe to this fear actually save all their info to a cloud… or something similar? Nothing is infallible. End of. Besides if you share your photos anyway…. and have nothing to hide (apart from that odd KGB agent body under your patio … and the offshore account which has all your ill gotten gains from prostitution and drug dealing stashed that is) …. what’s the panic for?? The only way to avoid anyone getting your information is to do bugger all, subscribe to nothing, become a nameless, self sufficient recluse.

Well that ain’t gonna fecking happen is it? As long as you take reasonable precautions to protect your identity, as in bank details etc., you can be as confident as the next sane (?) person.

Mind you …. if the Ruskis get hold of my photos and scribblings … they’d probably volunteer to lock themselves into Area 51…

WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT?? A Facebook campaign to storm a military facility…. yeah right …. a million people or so people are going to get off their arses, put their phones/laptops/pcs into sleep mode… travel to the great USA … and run through some fencing and catch that buffoon Trump playing with his alien friends?…. That almost made me pee my pants …. 🀣

But even simpler shit is being bandied about ….. erm …. ‘Tomorrow Facebook is changing their algorithms’….. that’s been bandied about for a few years now…. but do we even vaguely understand what the fuck that means?? …… You’ll even be fined for wearing flip flops and sunglasses whilst driving. The police can’t even stop the dangerous b’stards who openly use mobile phones when driving …. and how do they sort sunglasses from prescription reactolite specs…. do they take away to specs and let folk drive around in a shortsighted fog instead?? And how are the fuzz going to see if you’ve got flip flops on when you’re driving? Ffs … it’s getting sodding silly now.

I’m sitting here wondering what sort of crap I can invent to make my lovely friends get a bleddy grip! To stop spreading this sort of shite and show me pictures of their cute kids/pets or nature/landscapes or delicious food/drinks…. tell me about their social life (as mine is pretty sad πŸ™„). Tell me about challenges or successes… but for fucks sake stop and think ….

I’m in so much trouble now… reckons I’ll be unfriended/blocked or even SHOUTED AT! Hey ho…. such is life 😎

Am I a bovvered Bear 🐻… am I fuck.

Well that whiled away an hour of my lovely day here in Paradise anyway πŸ˜†

Long time no see

Once again, I’ve not felt the need to write much… I’ve been enjoying each day as it comes, doing the things I like to do … as well as the things I have to do to ‘survive’ … and it’s struck me, that the happier I become … the easier some of those damned tiresome chores become…. so there’s a lesson to be learnt there…. as far as I’m concerned anyway.

Recently, I was mega chuffed with myself for taking the time to read an article by the Money Saving Expert [Martin Lewis]…. he said that if you renew your car insurance as soon as you can … preferably 30/31 days in advance… the premium will be a lot cheaper … as the closer it gets to your renewal date the higher the price. And he was fecking right. I actually reduced mine by Β£200 a year!! I’m not kidding …. I thought I’d check what my current provider was going to charge… and it was going UP by over 20 quid… so half an hour on comparison sites, and a few independents, was well worth the effort. And unlike previous years I didn’t feel stressed about taking the time…. when I’d end up just renewing the existing policy for convenience…. just taking my tune to read stuff and explore was enough to make me one happy bear 🐻 …..

This all follows on from my current mindset of knowing what I don’t want from life, and just taking what I do want forward with me.

I’ve been doing more decluttering…. getting rid of stuff I don’t use, and ignoring the odd sentimental thought. I really don’t have the sodding space in my little bear cave anyway ….. someone else may as well have the benefit of the stuff… all usable and some was even brand new…We all hoard stuff for that odd occasion or rainy day …. when in truth we often forget we had it until after the event… and we bought something else to use anyway! I’ve made a few quid from it… and hope to make some more. As being pretty financially inadequate (better than saying bankrupt/broke/skint/on the bones of my arse) every sodding penny helps.

Despite my wine allowance drastically reduced…. despite my ‘days out’ seriously curtailed…. despite my car fuel being eked out for essential use only …. despite being a frequenter of charity shops for my wardrobe… despite all of these downsides …. I’m as happy as a pig in shite.

I’m ‘watching’ people making a good living and complaining about the difficulties they face … in almost every area of their lives…. no time is almost at the top of the list. But they work so they can go out regularly, have holidays, buy new clothes/cars/furniture etc., that’s how their time gets bleddy used up innit?

To me … it’s all about the perception of how to use our time, and what value to put on it. Lots of people would say I waste my time… but if I’m happy doing what I do … then that’s not time wasted in my eyes.

I feel privileged to be in this position. It’s certainly not perfect …. but it’s what I need for now. Gawd knows what the future holds … as the last 10 years has seen a complete change in my life … back to who I really am. Not who others think I should be. I have learnt to say NO ….. I have learnt that by not being me, I became a walking human car crash…. I have learnt that I am the only person capable of walking in my shoes (or riding me bleddy broomstick) … I learnt to stop blaming others for my situation…. and I’ve (almost) learnt to stop blaming myself.

Maybe I am getting older and wiser…

…. Ermm …. now I’m being bleddy silly.

Nothing new there ….