Today I am old…

You are as old as you feel …. how many times do we get told this? And to a degree it’s right … but our bleddy bodies have their own agenda … it ages without our permission… it deteriorates constantly. B’stard….

Yesterday was a funny old day… and I’ve got to get the thoughts that are whizzing around my head out … to look at them objectively… and without the help of the squirrels and gremlins that pitch headlong into battle in my emotional minefield.

So in the words of my ‘mate’ Jethro …. ‘What happened was…..’

…… a series of memories were stirred, initiated by other people on social media…. which I have been spending a bit more time on, because of ‘nursing’ a poorly pooch …. or actually standing guard over her to stop her doing any more bleddy damage to a very poorly paw…. or chew her fecking way out of her Cone of Shame… hence duct tape πŸ™„

These memories were random …. an old school photo from over 60 years ago, with my sister in… some stuff about the changes in the seaside village, where I grew up half a century ago …. photos of a pantomime group that I eventually took over 30 years ago …. friends and events from my Garage Theatre days 15 years ago …. a family wedding at a very difficult time 6 years ago …. as well as overhearing a conversation about the difficulties that the pub trade are facing (and don’t I know it! 3 years ago) …. then a wonderful phone call from a very special person who is my hero, and will live in my heart always…. these all added up to memories of the stages in my life being tossed around.

My dear old mum use to say “We have more stages than Wells Fargo”…. (one for the oldies) …. and it’s true. Our lives takes twists and turns …. some that we have little control over… but many more are by our own choices. My record hasn’t been that different from anyone else’s … but when I make a bad choice … I am frcking epic at it! At least I am able to accept that better now. It’s made me who I am. As does everyone’s past. You can’t change things, so you can’t regret any of it either.

What has made me a little sad, is the time it has taken to realise that I am now a bit too long in the tooth, and definitely a bit too damaged… to make many changes from where I am now. It certainly wasn’t where I expected to be …. and I don’t think many of us can say we are…. too many outside influences determine our paths in life.

I’m certainly not complaining…. I love where I am in life at the moment …. I’m happier than I’ve been for many years. But… and there’s always the BUT…. there are things missing that are unlikely ever to happen now. Some because of this physical old age …. I can no longer run or swim, even my walkies are no longer counted in hours and miles …. despite regularly getting out at least twice a day. It’s sometimes disappointing to realise I need to head for home, or I will suffer later on.

Neither will I find that love some people have been lucky enough to have (sometimes more than once) in their lives…. my poor old heart is far too battered and bruised to maintain any close relationship … I have so much love for many people… but it’s extremely unlikely I will ever want to give my heart away again …..

I am constantly learning to live with the choices I actually made …. what it seems is that it’s harder to live with the ones I didn’t make …. the last 10 or so years I haven’t toyed with the ‘what ifs’…. (after hearing my mother, not long before she died, wishing she had done so many things that were well within her grasp). I discounted the ‘what ifs’ and gone ahead and done things I wanted to do …. with some really excellent results and some equally disastrous ones!

Previous to that, I had my own opportunities, which I chose not to pursue…. mainly because of the objections from others, or for the sake of proprietary …. in truth I should have put my happiness first! But hey ho … most of those things cannot be changed.. there is little point in trying to turn the clock back when you are no longer physically or emotionally capable.

Recovery from any trauma takes time… in our OWN time … no matter how much advice we are given, no matter how much encouragement we get… all of that helps… but in truth we are our own healers.

I realise that it may all sound a load of bollocks … but this is for me … it’s my life’s spreadsheet …. my progress has to be at my own pace … step by step. It’s clear to me that some areas of my life will always be lacking …. because I’m not prepared to take … or be… second choice for anything or anybody.

I’m probably shooting myself in the foot, but ….

1) I can’t see my foot without bleddy glasses

2) I’ve not got the physical strength to pull the sodding trigger

3) I have a very low pain threshold now …. old age has taken over ….

So today I am fecking old.

Hey ho … such is life … and at least I’m here to live it …. and happy with that.

In the meantime … 🎡one more step along the road I go 🎢 on my own journey with a clearer head now πŸ€“

What do I know?

Reckon bugger all…. and everything. Oh the paradox! We all know that for every positive there is a negative.

Science constantly endorses that… in every field… it still bleddy amazes me that many ‘cures’ are based on toxic substances …. how the hell does that work?? (No please don’t bother to try and explain….I’ll remain happy in my ignorance and stay in awe!)

Social media, where it seems that so many people live their lives nowadays …. is constantly saturated with positive mental attitude ‘memes’ …. these are great… or are they?

Back in the 90’s I read dozens of books promoting ‘positive affirmations’… from Napoleon Hill to Dale Carnegie and Susan Jeffers. I read them as a way to help build a business. To a degree I reckon I got obsessed by them…… believing my life would never be happy, or complete, without practicing positivity….

Guess what? My life still fucked up.

Yep. I helped to build that business… only for it to be taken away by someone who never read those books (in fact that happened twice! πŸ˜³πŸ™„ … some lessons are harder to learn than others it seems). But my positive attitude certainly helped with the fallouts that ensued… but it wasn’t able to stop shit happening!

Mental health issues seem to be at the forefront of today’s modern society…. it is a very sad fact that suicides are increasing. I have my own personal philosophies on this…. having been suicidal myself, in the dark and (thankfully) distant past…. but for respect to those who have lost loved ones who took their own lives… I’m not going to publicly spout them. Because despite the fact my thoughts would ring true for some… they would upset others.

Though saying that, I do wonder, as a generalisation, if this is affected by the current obsession with creating a perfect life. Well let’s just all accept once and for all that there is no such sodding thing!! Realising that shit will always happen, and that it’s how we deal with it is the key. Using the positive mental attitude sure helps.. as long as you choose the right ones. But how the hell do we know which are the right ones?? How do you decide whether ‘to keep your own council’ … or ‘to share a problem is a problem halved’. Do you ‘think things through’ or ‘try not to overthink’?!

I can’t answer that. Because one size doesn’t fit all …. we are all unique and our needs are as individual as we are …

My life is [almost!] as good as it gets. It sure ain’t perfect … I still have to fight my demons …. though they are a lot less challenging than they have been in the past … but the buggers are still there! It’s a fact that my life would not suit everyone…. for some it would even be a fecking nightmare!

BUT (oh yes here’s the BUT) I am still learning my lessons. I am learning them for me. I know what I don’t want….. and I know what I do want …. and occasionally it causes problems … or let’s say ‘you have to break eggs to make an omelette’. 😁

I can chuck more idioms and cliches at you than you can shake a stick at. (And I have even discovered the difference between them … not that it really matters a bleddy jot).

As life will always happenand life will often get in the way….

Confused? I’ll get me coat … though that would be silly as it’s so warm …. that’s life eh?

Off to do some blue sky thinking…. have a great day 😎

I’m packed and ready to board the handcart to hell!

I’m going to be shot down in flames from every direction…. I can feel in in me bleddy water πŸ˜†…. but today I have seen so much shit on social media … I’m convinced that sheeples are breeding faster than I can fecking count.

I make no apologies to friends who ‘believe’ in this crap … I know it’s definitely perpetuated in all innocence…. as so many intelligent individuals are being brainwashed into thinking everything they read in the media has to be true…. because they are too busy trying to conform, that they don’t think it through. As for researching this sort of crap… you can always find the justification you search for…. someone else will have put it out there that your fears are founded….

SO….(bet someone’s grammar teeth are itching.. eh John? πŸ˜†) … are we all really that naive to think we can protect all of our personal data? Tell that to the the various government agencies, that asks us for shitloads of information, before accepting us to get a single national insurance number/passport/driving licence/state pension/benefits/doctor/dentist/voting rights/….. blah di blah… oh and then the private sector …. insurances for every bleddy part of living our lives… bank accounts …. credit agreements of any sort and so on … ad infinitum…. Did you know that their systems can be infiltrated? …. There have been many well reported (read sensationalised) occasions where it’s happened… if you chose to believe them that is πŸ€”πŸ˜†

Most want to know the measurements of our ever increasing knicker size …. or if you’ve got piles or a food intolerance….

Today the cry goes up about an app to see what we will look like as an old person… (as I’m already there it’s wasted on me …..) even the grand ol’ Daily Mail is on that wagon! ‘The app will have access to all your photos and information’ … oh my days …. the fear kicks in. Now excuse me for being ignorant… but how many people who subscribe to this fear actually save all their info to a cloud… or something similar? Nothing is infallible. End of. Besides if you share your photos anyway…. and have nothing to hide (apart from that odd KGB agent body under your patio … and the offshore account which has all your ill gotten gains from prostitution and drug dealing stashed that is) …. what’s the panic for?? The only way to avoid anyone getting your information is to do bugger all, subscribe to nothing, become a nameless, self sufficient recluse.

Well that ain’t gonna fecking happen is it? As long as you take reasonable precautions to protect your identity, as in bank details etc., you can be as confident as the next sane (?) person.

Mind you …. if the Ruskis get hold of my photos and scribblings … they’d probably volunteer to lock themselves into Area 51…

WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT?? A Facebook campaign to storm a military facility…. yeah right …. a million people or so people are going to get off their arses, put their phones/laptops/pcs into sleep mode… travel to the great USA … and run through some fencing and catch that buffoon Trump playing with his alien friends?…. That almost made me pee my pants …. 🀣

But even simpler shit is being bandied about ….. erm …. ‘Tomorrow Facebook is changing their algorithms’….. that’s been bandied about for a few years now…. but do we even vaguely understand what the fuck that means?? …… You’ll even be fined for wearing flip flops and sunglasses whilst driving. The police can’t even stop the dangerous b’stards who openly use mobile phones when driving …. and how do they sort sunglasses from prescription reactolite specs…. do they take away to specs and let folk drive around in a shortsighted fog instead?? And how are the fuzz going to see if you’ve got flip flops on when you’re driving? Ffs … it’s getting sodding silly now.

I’m sitting here wondering what sort of crap I can invent to make my lovely friends get a bleddy grip! To stop spreading this sort of shite and show me pictures of their cute kids/pets or nature/landscapes or delicious food/drinks…. tell me about their social life (as mine is pretty sad πŸ™„). Tell me about challenges or successes… but for fucks sake stop and think ….

I’m in so much trouble now… reckons I’ll be unfriended/blocked or even SHOUTED AT! Hey ho…. such is life 😎

Am I a bovvered Bear 🐻… am I fuck.

Well that whiled away an hour of my lovely day here in Paradise anyway πŸ˜†

Long time no see

Once again, I’ve not felt the need to write much… I’ve been enjoying each day as it comes, doing the things I like to do … as well as the things I have to do to ‘survive’ … and it’s struck me, that the happier I become … the easier some of those damned tiresome chores become…. so there’s a lesson to be learnt there…. as far as I’m concerned anyway.

Recently, I was mega chuffed with myself for taking the time to read an article by the Money Saving Expert [Martin Lewis]…. he said that if you renew your car insurance as soon as you can … preferably 30/31 days in advance… the premium will be a lot cheaper … as the closer it gets to your renewal date the higher the price. And he was fecking right. I actually reduced mine by Β£200 a year!! I’m not kidding …. I thought I’d check what my current provider was going to charge… and it was going UP by over 20 quid… so half an hour on comparison sites, and a few independents, was well worth the effort. And unlike previous years I didn’t feel stressed about taking the time…. when I’d end up just renewing the existing policy for convenience…. just taking my tune to read stuff and explore was enough to make me one happy bear 🐻 …..

This all follows on from my current mindset of knowing what I don’t want from life, and just taking what I do want forward with me.

I’ve been doing more decluttering…. getting rid of stuff I don’t use, and ignoring the odd sentimental thought. I really don’t have the sodding space in my little bear cave anyway ….. someone else may as well have the benefit of the stuff… all usable and some was even brand new…We all hoard stuff for that odd occasion or rainy day …. when in truth we often forget we had it until after the event… and we bought something else to use anyway! I’ve made a few quid from it… and hope to make some more. As being pretty financially inadequate (better than saying bankrupt/broke/skint/on the bones of my arse) every sodding penny helps.

Despite my wine allowance drastically reduced…. despite my ‘days out’ seriously curtailed…. despite my car fuel being eked out for essential use only …. despite being a frequenter of charity shops for my wardrobe… despite all of these downsides …. I’m as happy as a pig in shite.

I’m ‘watching’ people making a good living and complaining about the difficulties they face … in almost every area of their lives…. no time is almost at the top of the list. But they work so they can go out regularly, have holidays, buy new clothes/cars/furniture etc., that’s how their time gets bleddy used up innit?

To me … it’s all about the perception of how to use our time, and what value to put on it. Lots of people would say I waste my time… but if I’m happy doing what I do … then that’s not time wasted in my eyes.

I feel privileged to be in this position. It’s certainly not perfect …. but it’s what I need for now. Gawd knows what the future holds … as the last 10 years has seen a complete change in my life … back to who I really am. Not who others think I should be. I have learnt to say NO ….. I have learnt that by not being me, I became a walking human car crash…. I have learnt that I am the only person capable of walking in my shoes (or riding me bleddy broomstick) … I learnt to stop blaming others for my situation…. and I’ve (almost) learnt to stop blaming myself.

Maybe I am getting older and wiser…

…. Ermm …. now I’m being bleddy silly.

Nothing new there ….

The time has come…

It’s been a long bleddy time coming as well…. but at fecking last it’s here….

Time to leave some substantial baggage behind and melt more into my current very happy life…. my bear persona is still tucked away nicely into the depths of my bear cave… but I’m only keeping the nice bits….the hurty bits are now consigned to the life’s shit heap… I have no need to refer to them anymore, no need to remind myself not to make those mistakes again. So I have ‘adopted’ the name I’m known by the ‘locals’ here in my new life …. and one thing I enjoy doing… blogging …. to share some of my random ponderings on life. Hence my new page name. All about her and me…. and my thoughts gathered in Paradise.

Ever since I embarked on the road of looking at what I didn’t want, things have become a bleddy sight easier. It’s not rocket science either … it’s just been a matter of taking the time to know myself… It’s not about what others think they know about me… and sure as hell not about worrying what others think about me. It’s not exactly been hard to let things go that haven’t added to my life …. as most of them never really served a purpose. The hardest thing has been taking the time to identify them.

Time. That thing you can’t touch, smell, taste or hear. But is an incredibly important part of our lives…. and not always used wisely. But I have learnt that my time to have as happy a life as I can, is getting shorter… that pretty fucking scary! And I’m buggered if I’m going to waste it doing stuff that means something to others, but very little to me in the grand scheme of things.

What I mean is like buying the latest fashion/gadget/car (or any consumer item). Rarely does that happy feeling last longer than it takes for the thing to go out of fashion, the gadget to be upgraded, the car to get its first problem…. By the same token, its a great feeling to do something for someone else … but it’s not long before another person needs something from you … and in the meantime you’ve done bugger all for yourself.

So I’ve learnt to say no…. and become my own best friend. Best decision ever! I’m the only one who can really make a difference to myself. Others can enhance it for sure… but I have to be in control of my life … and for decades others pulled my strings…. and although I cut those strings a long time ago, the bruises and lesions they caused were pretty bleddy painful… but not anymore. Hoobleddyrah!!

I am not denying my past… it has defined me…. and there are a lot of positives, some negatives and a few what the fuck just happened? moments that can never be undone. But I can take the best with me and leave the rest to compost away in the shit heap.

I don’t have everything I want in life …. but I do have everything I need…. I have learnt that [in my case] need has to come before want. Not got a spare penny to scratch my saggy old arse with anyway. But my pooch and I don’t go without. I make us the priority….. this is where it counts more than all money in a bank. (There’s another blog brewing on that… look out Barbara Beagle is about)… but this one is about my big step away from the past … and a few poochy steps into a much happier future.

Anyone can do it …. if they take that time to know themselves.

Much loves to you all… as much loves as I award myself….

Smiling as I move on in my Paradise, with happy memories, good friends and family and the knowledge that I can be as happy as my pooch under my duvet

Plot has buggered off. Hoofuckingrah!!!

I used to consider that losing the plot was a negative…. now I don’t bleddy care … not a jot!

Recently, I have wondered why we have all become so cynical and self absorbed …. (and I include myself in that). But I only have to look further afield than my own personal environment to see why. The bleddy world doesn’t really appeal to me …. buffoons, bigots and the Hooray Henry chinless wonders are running the world to ruination…. pursuing greed for power. Cynical me eh??

I take the view that my gradual ‘withdrawal’ from the real (?) world is best for me…. choosing to call it self care …. and in all honesty I don’t give a flying fuck if people think I’m nuts….. Self absorbed me eh??

…. though there is a little irony here… as recently some people have remarked that I have more friends than them… wtf has that to do with the price of fish? I know a few people, I’m acquainted with a few more. I have a very small circle of close friends, and an even smaller circle who I trust implicitly. I’ve also been told I socialise a lot more than them. How the fuck do they work that out, when I go out (as in socialising) maybe once or twice a month, and don’t belong to any groups. And in all fairness I’m not bothered. Are we also becoming obsessed with comparing our lives??

My life wouldn’t suit the majority of people I know… it takes a ‘speshul’ kind of attitude to not live how others think we should.

It took over a year to adjust … especially listening to people who said I’d be isolated… when in actual fact I’m far from it. It’s just appears isolated to them. So it’s not my circus and not my monkeys….

Thanks to my retirement I don’t have any particular time demanded routine… I can do as I please… the dog and I do what we want to do… as and when. I mix with folk when invited, or if I feel the need. There is no plot any more… and I’m bleddy happy about it.

The more I scoot back into my cave, the happier I get ….

The last week or so have been full of reasons why I know that, at the moment, I have no fecking plot…. I’m happy and comfortable…. so no reason to change a bleddy thing for the sake of it…. as others perceptions will always be different anyway.

In the meantime, the big wide world will keep turning, throwing up more shite for people to get hot under the collar about. Higher rates of anxiety/stress/depression/suicide are no coincidences…. but I’m not going there ever again….

I also don’t actually feel the need to keep charting my progress…. so even writing is getting less of a priority… I can hear the fucking cheers already!!

Laters peeps…. probably a lot later … but you know where I am anyway 😎

Short(ish) but very sweet

I’ve been giving an enormous amount of thoughts about my recent epiphanies…. and I have restrained myself from blogging ad infinitum about them…. now that’s a bleddy first innit?? I’ve sat (and laid) back thinking for a very long time….

My healing process from some of my choices and decisions over the last couple of decades, and particularly from the last 7 years, has been long and painful… but by keeping a diary aka blogging…. I have been able to watch my progress.

My personal philosophies have been criticised on many occasions…. especially by others whose lives have also been challenging…. and at times I’ve really struggled … but something always happened to help me move on.

Recently…. several things crossed my life path…. and has given me the reasons to appreciate where I actually am in life …

And here’s a sort of list, triggered by various things that happened/seen/read/heard recently, and I will write about in full, in my second book… (The first one is almost finished !! TTF for that!!)

1) There are definitely NO such things as coincidences.

2) I’ve been given the 7 year old, and I see the [wo]man.

3) You are never to old to follow your dream.

4) Karma is real. It does work… you just have to be patient.

5) Self care is more important than caring for others. (If you can’t treat yourself right … how can you expect to know how to treat others?)

6) Everyone has different needs and perceptions …

7) The modern world is no different in its component parts than history shows us… it’s just faster … which makes it seem that much more harsh.

8) Simples works….

9) Surround yourself with things that inspire you.

10) Make sure you only have friends that accept you for WHO you are … warts and all… without unnecessary criticism.

These are MY philosophies… for ME… But they are not yours… if you are looking for answers, then go and find your own!! But don’t expect the path to find them to be easy …. it’s not … it’s fucking hard work. But I’ve never been afraid of that.

TIP: Find out what you DON’T want first….

‘Some’ people think I have very little at face value … that I’ve been dealt a crap hand … and maybe that’s true in their eyes …. but at heart value, I have riches…. because I am a very happy Old Bear 🐻. Beat that!!!