I’m packed and ready to board the handcart to hell!

I’m going to be shot down in flames from every direction…. I can feel in in me bleddy water 😆…. but today I have seen so much shit on social media … I’m convinced that sheeples are breeding faster than I can fecking count.

I make no apologies to friends who ‘believe’ in this crap … I know it’s definitely perpetuated in all innocence…. as so many intelligent individuals are being brainwashed into thinking everything they read in the media has to be true…. because they are too busy trying to conform, that they don’t think it through. As for researching this sort of crap… you can always find the justification you search for…. someone else will have put it out there that your fears are founded….

SO….(bet someone’s grammar teeth are itching.. eh John? 😆) … are we all really that naive to think we can protect all of our personal data? Tell that to the the various government agencies, that asks us for shitloads of information, before accepting us to get a single national insurance number/passport/driving licence/state pension/benefits/doctor/dentist/voting rights/….. blah di blah… oh and then the private sector …. insurances for every bleddy part of living our lives… bank accounts …. credit agreements of any sort and so on … ad infinitum…. Did you know that their systems can be infiltrated? …. There have been many well reported (read sensationalised) occasions where it’s happened… if you chose to believe them that is đŸ€”đŸ˜†

Most want to know the measurements of our ever increasing knicker size …. or if you’ve got piles or a food intolerance….

Today the cry goes up about an app to see what we will look like as an old person… (as I’m already there it’s wasted on me …..) even the grand ol’ Daily Mail is on that wagon! ‘The app will have access to all your photos and information’ … oh my days …. the fear kicks in. Now excuse me for being ignorant… but how many people who subscribe to this fear actually save all their info to a cloud… or something similar? Nothing is infallible. End of. Besides if you share your photos anyway…. and have nothing to hide (apart from that odd KGB agent body under your patio … and the offshore account which has all your ill gotten gains from prostitution and drug dealing stashed that is) …. what’s the panic for?? The only way to avoid anyone getting your information is to do bugger all, subscribe to nothing, become a nameless, self sufficient recluse.

Well that ain’t gonna fecking happen is it? As long as you take reasonable precautions to protect your identity, as in bank details etc., you can be as confident as the next sane (?) person.

Mind you …. if the Ruskis get hold of my photos and scribblings … they’d probably volunteer to lock themselves into Area 51…

WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT?? A Facebook campaign to storm a military facility…. yeah right …. a million people or so people are going to get off their arses, put their phones/laptops/pcs into sleep mode… travel to the great USA … and run through some fencing and catch that buffoon Trump playing with his alien friends?…. That almost made me pee my pants …. đŸ€Ł

But even simpler shit is being bandied about ….. erm …. ‘Tomorrow Facebook is changing their algorithms’….. that’s been bandied about for a few years now…. but do we even vaguely understand what the fuck that means?? …… You’ll even be fined for wearing flip flops and sunglasses whilst driving. The police can’t even stop the dangerous b’stards who openly use mobile phones when driving …. and how do they sort sunglasses from prescription reactolite specs…. do they take away to specs and let folk drive around in a shortsighted fog instead?? And how are the fuzz going to see if you’ve got flip flops on when you’re driving? Ffs … it’s getting sodding silly now.

I’m sitting here wondering what sort of crap I can invent to make my lovely friends get a bleddy grip! To stop spreading this sort of shite and show me pictures of their cute kids/pets or nature/landscapes or delicious food/drinks…. tell me about their social life (as mine is pretty sad 🙄). Tell me about challenges or successes… but for fucks sake stop and think ….

I’m in so much trouble now… reckons I’ll be unfriended/blocked or even SHOUTED AT! Hey ho…. such is life 😎

Am I a bovvered Bear đŸ»… am I fuck.

Well that whiled away an hour of my lovely day here in Paradise anyway 😆

Long time no see

Once again, I’ve not felt the need to write much… I’ve been enjoying each day as it comes, doing the things I like to do … as well as the things I have to do to ‘survive’ … and it’s struck me, that the happier I become … the easier some of those damned tiresome chores become…. so there’s a lesson to be learnt there…. as far as I’m concerned anyway.

Recently, I was mega chuffed with myself for taking the time to read an article by the Money Saving Expert [Martin Lewis]…. he said that if you renew your car insurance as soon as you can … preferably 30/31 days in advance… the premium will be a lot cheaper … as the closer it gets to your renewal date the higher the price. And he was fecking right. I actually reduced mine by ÂŁ200 a year!! I’m not kidding …. I thought I’d check what my current provider was going to charge… and it was going UP by over 20 quid… so half an hour on comparison sites, and a few independents, was well worth the effort. And unlike previous years I didn’t feel stressed about taking the time…. when I’d end up just renewing the existing policy for convenience…. just taking my tune to read stuff and explore was enough to make me one happy bear đŸ» …..

This all follows on from my current mindset of knowing what I don’t want from life, and just taking what I do want forward with me.

I’ve been doing more decluttering…. getting rid of stuff I don’t use, and ignoring the odd sentimental thought. I really don’t have the sodding space in my little bear cave anyway ….. someone else may as well have the benefit of the stuff… all usable and some was even brand new…We all hoard stuff for that odd occasion or rainy day …. when in truth we often forget we had it until after the event… and we bought something else to use anyway! I’ve made a few quid from it… and hope to make some more. As being pretty financially inadequate (better than saying bankrupt/broke/skint/on the bones of my arse) every sodding penny helps.

Despite my wine allowance drastically reduced…. despite my ‘days out’ seriously curtailed…. despite my car fuel being eked out for essential use only …. despite being a frequenter of charity shops for my wardrobe… despite all of these downsides …. I’m as happy as a pig in shite.

I’m ‘watching’ people making a good living and complaining about the difficulties they face … in almost every area of their lives…. no time is almost at the top of the list. But they work so they can go out regularly, have holidays, buy new clothes/cars/furniture etc., that’s how their time gets bleddy used up innit?

To me … it’s all about the perception of how to use our time, and what value to put on it. Lots of people would say I waste my time… but if I’m happy doing what I do … then that’s not time wasted in my eyes.

I feel privileged to be in this position. It’s certainly not perfect …. but it’s what I need for now. Gawd knows what the future holds … as the last 10 years has seen a complete change in my life … back to who I really am. Not who others think I should be. I have learnt to say NO ….. I have learnt that by not being me, I became a walking human car crash…. I have learnt that I am the only person capable of walking in my shoes (or riding me bleddy broomstick) … I learnt to stop blaming others for my situation…. and I’ve (almost) learnt to stop blaming myself.

Maybe I am getting older and wiser…

…. Ermm …. now I’m being bleddy silly.

Nothing new there ….

The time has come…

It’s been a long bleddy time coming as well…. but at fecking last it’s here….

Time to leave some substantial baggage behind and melt more into my current very happy life…. my bear persona is still tucked away nicely into the depths of my bear cave… but I’m only keeping the nice bits….the hurty bits are now consigned to the life’s shit heap… I have no need to refer to them anymore, no need to remind myself not to make those mistakes again. So I have ‘adopted’ the name I’m known by the ‘locals’ here in my new life …. and one thing I enjoy doing… blogging …. to share some of my random ponderings on life. Hence my new page name. All about her and me…. and my thoughts gathered in Paradise.

Ever since I embarked on the road of looking at what I didn’t want, things have become a bleddy sight easier. It’s not rocket science either … it’s just been a matter of taking the time to know myself… It’s not about what others think they know about me… and sure as hell not about worrying what others think about me. It’s not exactly been hard to let things go that haven’t added to my life …. as most of them never really served a purpose. The hardest thing has been taking the time to identify them.

Time. That thing you can’t touch, smell, taste or hear. But is an incredibly important part of our lives…. and not always used wisely. But I have learnt that my time to have as happy a life as I can, is getting shorter… that pretty fucking scary! And I’m buggered if I’m going to waste it doing stuff that means something to others, but very little to me in the grand scheme of things.

What I mean is like buying the latest fashion/gadget/car (or any consumer item). Rarely does that happy feeling last longer than it takes for the thing to go out of fashion, the gadget to be upgraded, the car to get its first problem…. By the same token, its a great feeling to do something for someone else … but it’s not long before another person needs something from you … and in the meantime you’ve done bugger all for yourself.

So I’ve learnt to say no…. and become my own best friend. Best decision ever! I’m the only one who can really make a difference to myself. Others can enhance it for sure… but I have to be in control of my life … and for decades others pulled my strings…. and although I cut those strings a long time ago, the bruises and lesions they caused were pretty bleddy painful… but not anymore. Hoobleddyrah!!

I am not denying my past… it has defined me…. and there are a lot of positives, some negatives and a few what the fuck just happened? moments that can never be undone. But I can take the best with me and leave the rest to compost away in the shit heap.

I don’t have everything I want in life …. but I do have everything I need…. I have learnt that [in my case] need has to come before want. Not got a spare penny to scratch my saggy old arse with anyway. But my pooch and I don’t go without. I make us the priority….. this is where it counts more than all money in a bank. (There’s another blog brewing on that… look out Barbara Beagle is about)… but this one is about my big step away from the past … and a few poochy steps into a much happier future.

Anyone can do it …. if they take that time to know themselves.

Much loves to you all… as much loves as I award myself….

Smiling as I move on in my Paradise, with happy memories, good friends and family and the knowledge that I can be as happy as my pooch under my duvet

Plot has buggered off. Hoofuckingrah!!!

I used to consider that losing the plot was a negative…. now I don’t bleddy care … not a jot!

Recently, I have wondered why we have all become so cynical and self absorbed …. (and I include myself in that). But I only have to look further afield than my own personal environment to see why. The bleddy world doesn’t really appeal to me …. buffoons, bigots and the Hooray Henry chinless wonders are running the world to ruination…. pursuing greed for power. Cynical me eh??

I take the view that my gradual ‘withdrawal’ from the real (?) world is best for me…. choosing to call it self care …. and in all honesty I don’t give a flying fuck if people think I’m nuts….. Self absorbed me eh??

…. though there is a little irony here… as recently some people have remarked that I have more friends than them… wtf has that to do with the price of fish? I know a few people, I’m acquainted with a few more. I have a very small circle of close friends, and an even smaller circle who I trust implicitly. I’ve also been told I socialise a lot more than them. How the fuck do they work that out, when I go out (as in socialising) maybe once or twice a month, and don’t belong to any groups. And in all fairness I’m not bothered. Are we also becoming obsessed with comparing our lives??

My life wouldn’t suit the majority of people I know… it takes a ‘speshul’ kind of attitude to not live how others think we should.

It took over a year to adjust … especially listening to people who said I’d be isolated… when in actual fact I’m far from it. It’s just appears isolated to them. So it’s not my circus and not my monkeys….

Thanks to my retirement I don’t have any particular time demanded routine… I can do as I please… the dog and I do what we want to do… as and when. I mix with folk when invited, or if I feel the need. There is no plot any more… and I’m bleddy happy about it.

The more I scoot back into my cave, the happier I get ….

The last week or so have been full of reasons why I know that, at the moment, I have no fecking plot…. I’m happy and comfortable…. so no reason to change a bleddy thing for the sake of it…. as others perceptions will always be different anyway.

In the meantime, the big wide world will keep turning, throwing up more shite for people to get hot under the collar about. Higher rates of anxiety/stress/depression/suicide are no coincidences…. but I’m not going there ever again….

I also don’t actually feel the need to keep charting my progress…. so even writing is getting less of a priority… I can hear the fucking cheers already!!

Laters peeps…. probably a lot later … but you know where I am anyway 😎

Short(ish) but very sweet

I’ve been giving an enormous amount of thoughts about my recent epiphanies…. and I have restrained myself from blogging ad infinitum about them…. now that’s a bleddy first innit?? I’ve sat (and laid) back thinking for a very long time….

My healing process from some of my choices and decisions over the last couple of decades, and particularly from the last 7 years, has been long and painful… but by keeping a diary aka blogging…. I have been able to watch my progress.

My personal philosophies have been criticised on many occasions…. especially by others whose lives have also been challenging…. and at times I’ve really struggled … but something always happened to help me move on.

Recently…. several things crossed my life path…. and has given me the reasons to appreciate where I actually am in life …

And here’s a sort of list, triggered by various things that happened/seen/read/heard recently, and I will write about in full, in my second book… (The first one is almost finished !! TTF for that!!)

1) There are definitely NO such things as coincidences.

2) I’ve been given the 7 year old, and I see the [wo]man.

3) You are never to old to follow your dream.

4) Karma is real. It does work… you just have to be patient.

5) Self care is more important than caring for others. (If you can’t treat yourself right … how can you expect to know how to treat others?)

6) Everyone has different needs and perceptions …

7) The modern world is no different in its component parts than history shows us… it’s just faster … which makes it seem that much more harsh.

8) Simples works….

9) Surround yourself with things that inspire you.

10) Make sure you only have friends that accept you for WHO you are … warts and all… without unnecessary criticism.

These are MY philosophies… for ME… But they are not yours… if you are looking for answers, then go and find your own!! But don’t expect the path to find them to be easy …. it’s not … it’s fucking hard work. But I’ve never been afraid of that.

TIP: Find out what you DON’T want first….

‘Some’ people think I have very little at face value … that I’ve been dealt a crap hand … and maybe that’s true in their eyes …. but at heart value, I have riches…. because I am a very happy Old Bear đŸ». Beat that!!!

The proof is in the ‘pudding’… or the medicine cabinet….

It’s been a funny old Sunday. The morning was shite…. literally dragged the dog around the block in typical Cornish mizzle … that turned into a bleddy downpour halfway around a ‘short’ walk … got home like two drowned rats … and by the time we had a rub down to dry out the fecking sun started to come out ….

By then it was time for the ritual Sunday bacon butty …. yummy yummy …. well it tasted great… but it was a b’stard painful experience, as yesterday the filling in my wisdom tooth departed my substantial gob… along with more sodding tooth. In all fairness the dentist reckoned it would happen after the last repair … so it was sort of expected at some point. My bleddy teeth are crumbling in my old age … arseandbollocks… but hey ho we didn’t have the dental care in our childhood that they have now. But this bit of crumbling left me with a selection of razor points that shredded the inside of my cheek when chewing đŸ€Ź… so eating is a bleddy challenge, until I get to the dentist. Head on one side to take the pressure off the cheek, eating slowly like a ruminant cow (no comments required) …. I even pulled my cheek away with my little finger to ease the chewing process… this is not bleddy natural … but better than drawing more blood … and NO … I ain’t fucking liquidising my food … I got a few more years before I’m reverting to baby food. Nonetheless I survived and ‘enjoyed’ my bacon fix.

The weather started to improve even more, but by then I’m pissed right off! Dog had retreated to the bed again…, so I did some laundry …. yep it’s that exciting!!

To improve my mood I decided to get back to my book …. The Camomile Lawn by Mary Wesley. That was a good move… books… reading…. always lifts the spirits …

So then the sun came out proper hot…. so dragged the dog out for walkies…. it wasn’t long before she brightened up too…. and we spent a glorious hour or so wandering, sitting and watching and generally chilling. Ansum. My Paradise is second to none to lift the spirits … (expect when it’s pissing with rain) ….

…. so back home, roast pork and veg under way (to eat with some challenges… but I ain’t going to starve) … and I cast my mind over the last week, whilst enjoying a nice chilled glass of crisp white wine… and remembered that this time last week I had a friend staying…. and she had asked if I had some antacid tablets (my cooking ain’t that bad honest!) … but the ones I had were literally years out of date!

Now we all have a medicine cabinet or something…. mine is a basket on top of the bathroom cupboard… full of stuff

So thought I ought to have a gander at what’s in there … as not had reason to delve into it for some time…. what a chuffing shock that was!!

Most was well out of date … not by months .. but fucking years!! So why??

Because despite everything… the last two years have been healing in more ways than one! I have no need for all these pills and potions… because I am better than I’ve ever been …. apart from a lethal tooth…

How fucking brilliant is that??? Some days the message of how far I have come is bleddy deafening…. so this lot goes out and this is what is left

Along with a packet of Ibuprofen and Paracetamol on top of the fridge …,

Peace of mind… a simples lifestyle…. Paradise… all makes for a redundant medicine cabinet.

Bugger me backwards Betty …. that’s fucking awesome!! Pass the wine and I’ll chew my dinner very slowly …. but happy.

Geddon đŸ€“đŸ€“

Plans, perceptions and paradoxes

Didn’t intend to write anything today, as I had ‘planned’ to have a long walk, followed by coffee, then get out the ladder [I borrowed] and give my rampant privet hedge a bit of a trim…. well that’s all gone off into the fecking fog/sea mist that’s descended on my Paradise…. can’t see my sodding arm behind my back, and everything is bleddy soaking…… but that’s one of the hazards of living where I do…. and I’ll be honest it’s a very, very small price to pay….

But I did think that at least I’ll get my walk, gather me thoughts…. and  listen to the sea if nothing else…. but nope…. the pooch took some coaxing just to get out the bleddy door! It was all I could do to drag her out onto Sunny (Ha!) Corner Lane…. once there, then she towed me around the shortest route possible…. and back indoors before I could finish me first sucky sweet! Now some would say that I should have made her walk where I wanted to go…. but they don’t have a stubborn beagley…. that can be like having two bags of cement on the end of a piece of string, especially when they are determined to have their way…. and I refuse to have arms like a bleddy Orangutan to prove my ownership. As I have said before…. you have to be a speshul kind of stooopid to own one of these adorable mutts……

img_1608

And as for cutting the hedge…. I couldn’t even see the top of the bleddy thing, which was dripping big drops over me morning coiffure…… and thought that having an electric hedge trimmer operating in those sort of conditions, wasn’t the recommended way to do it anyway…… so Plan A was aborted….

I didn’t have a Plan B…. now I’m winging the rest of the day…. so laundry, empty the dishwasher, shove the vacuum around to get up all the dogs fur that sticks to every fecking thing except her …. bleddy exciting eh? But at least the mundane chore meant I could still continue gathering my thoughts…. and before I started to chart those thoughts…. I thought I’d have a nice cup of caffeine with one of my fave treats… dunking ginger nuts yummy….. well that didn’t go particularly well either…. one of the bleddy delights broke and fell back into my coffee…. splashed the contents over my nice clean cream coloured top…. Considering I usually wear black, it was possibly [yet] another lesson to learn…. stick with what you know best…. Though in all fairness… I wear my fecking food a lot nowadays…. regardless of the colour …. hmmm. Of course the sodding biscuit disintegrated in my mug… so ended up drinking ginger coffee soup…. I’m of the waste not want not brigade….. but hey ho…. they’d mix up anyway….

So here I am writing down my thoughts…..that I hadn’t originally planned….

I had almost a week away from social media… I did post up my intention to do so, some folk commented…..a few other people noticed I’d ‘gone’ and enquired if I was ok…. but most wouldn’t have given a shit, as some gather friends as some sort of measure of how popular they are, (though in truth I don’t have many of those anymore) or just use it very occasionally to see what folk are up to, or get in touch with others. Nothing more than I expected…..

I took a break for a couple of reasons….. one because I was getting pissed off with the soapboxes that some friends were on…. and I had no intention of blocking, snoozing or unfriending them, because most of the time, the things they posted were social…. interesting, or informative in many ways. The other reason was to actually give myself an opportunity to look at the psychological side of social media. Now this was quite a diversion for me, as I like the philosophical aspect …. the unproven, fanciful side of life…. rather than the factual side….

So what I found was that I firmly believe that social media can be an addiction for many people…. they live their lives through social media…. rather than using it as a tool or means to be socially aware and informed. Because I found the first few days of no virtual contact somewhat concerning….. I got itchy bleddy fingers…. my head filled with all sorts of sodding scenarios about what what happening online…..by day 4, I found myself immersed in the real world, with visitors and other everyday activities, and only had a few passing thoughts on social media…. I talked to people about this modern day development. It’s not going to go away, that’s for sure, and I think it’ll be some time before it levels out….. that wont happen until the ‘younger’ (under 40’s in my book) generation realise that the real world is where we actually have to bleddy live. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc. will not pay the bills for the majority of us…. the internet cannot provide a living for most of the demands on a workforce…. and not everything we read is true….. We still need physical assistance to live…. the balance is a bit unequal in my eyes… and this is only my opinion…… and I’m fucking allowed one!

Despite being told my opinions are stupid…. as I don’t live in today’s world…. that the good old days weren’t good….  well, I’ve lived decades longer than the person who voiced that opinion….. and been through more fucking shite that most people…. There has never, ever been an ideal world throughout history…. but I actually think for all the crap I hear and see around me….. the values I was brought up with, even the lack of choice, and the necessity to stand on my own two feet was a blessing, and not something to be ashamed of. I had very little….and the circle has now been turned…. I have very little again…. for over 40 years I worked my arse off to get stuff….. and wasn’t happy….. I feel I’ve earned my opinion through bleddy experiencing it…. not by assumptions….  I still go by my own thought, that I should never comment [aggressively] on something that I haven’t done or experienced myself….. Sometimes I forget…. as I ain’t fucking perfect…. but I will acknowledge it, and apologise where necessary etc……

During the sojourn into the real world, I had a few very intense and deep conversations….. and what struck me most was that many people spend a lot of time aggressively defending their right to an opinion. Good friends will often agree to differ and move on…. others will get the right fucking hump and piss off…. much the same as social media….. but [for me] it hits home harder in the real world.

There are paradoxes everywhere…you need people around you….but at times you just want to be on your own. You want to have meaningful conversations….but if someone disagrees with you then (apparently) they are no longer meaningful!! We see others in a different way than they see themselves…. that’s a bleddy hard one. We are all totally unique, we may have some things in common, but there can be vast differences in other areas. I have been criticised for living in my past…..but I only use it as a record of my life’s journey…. a reference …. I don’t believe you can ignore it, as it’s what has shaped us. For me it’s a series of lessons I’ve learnt good and bad…. and hope I don’t make the bad mistakes again…. yea right…. some lessons I don’t ever seem to fecking learn…. but that is me….. warts and all!

I have now returned to social media, with a bit more understanding of how to use it in the best way for me…. it means a shitload of different things to everyone else…. but I’m living my life for me….. because I’m the one who counts in my book.

Another thing I will choose to do for myself is not to justify who or what I am…. I have no need….. and what the fuck difference will it make to anyone else?? I am me, I look after myself …. for myself. If asked a question, I will reply….. and hope people will have the courtesy to listen to the answer…. without interrupting, to either attack what I am saying, or going into [an aggressive] defence mode, because they think the answer is a criticism on their opinions…. (as I have found recently)… It’s always good to listen to others, and listen to the whole story as they see it….. then respond. To me, this is the only way to have a reasoned conversation/debate…. a rarity nowadays….. it now appears it’s all about the balance between being defensive or aggressive….. I ain’t joining in that anymore… I ain’t got the need…. I’m keeping it simples…. it works for me.

What every other bugger does is up to them….